andrew helping neil out of his gear when he blows his arms out during a game and can barely lift his racquet anymore
if neil notices how andrew’s hands linger a little longer on his skin than they should, he doesn’t mention it
andrew waking up to the smell of coffee, and a just-came-out-of-the-shower-and-dripping-wet neil, messing around in their kitchen making breakfast for them both
he’ll never admit it, but neil does it mostly so he can have andrew’s silent thank you kiss on the back of his neck
sitting on the couch or in a booth or anywhere just a little too close, just so that their thighs touch and neil can remember that this is home
andrew letting neil’s head loll on his shoulder when they’re in the bus back from a game and neil is too exhausted to stay awake
‘i hate you’
walking side to side close enough that their shoulders bump every few steps
on the best days, andrew holding neil’s pinky with his own
neil leaving notes every morning before going for a run, and ending them with ‘i’ll be back’ everytime
when they’re watching tv, andrew letting neil lay his head in his lap and carefully running his fingers through the mess of his hair, brushing his bangs out of his face and tucking them behind his ears
(neil has never been able to tell who doing this calmed down more)
the familiar weight of andrew’s hand on the back of his neck, and a calm but strict ‘abram’ spoken into his ear
neil sleeping on the couch on nights andrew can’t stand having him close, and never asking for more than what he’s given
‘yes or no?’
the weight of the name ‘neil’, pushed into his mouth along with andrew’s tongue, grounding him and making his head spin
sharing cigarettes and kisses on rooftops in the cold and dead of night until neither of them can feel their lips or fingertips
it’s andrew giving in to an impulse he’s been fighting off because he knows deep down kissing neil would not be anything like kissing roland. because he cares about neil and he hates it but he knows that there’s no turning back now
it’s neil figuring out that he really does wantthis but still unsure if it’s worth the risk
it’s andrew saying ‘tell me no’ and neil not saying anything because he’s kind of in the middle of a crisis and he wants to kiss andrew, he doesn’t want to say ‘no’ but he can’t say ‘yes’ yet either
and it’s andrew pushing neil away even though he doesn’t tell him ‘no’ because he didn’t say ‘yes’ either and he knows that even if he had neil isn’t in any state of mind to be able to give consent
that kiss on the roof is the start of everything and andrew is terrified of falling but he’s really too late to stop it
“that kiss on the roof is the start of everything and andrew is terrified of falling ” No he’s literally terrified of falling. And yet he kisses Neil in a place his is afraid, a kiss that he is scared of initiating. He acts vulnerably in a place he feels unsafe because he trusts neil
HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY MUMMIFIED HEART FEEL THINGS
but also consider that andrew who has never been given the right to consent is handing Neil that choice here
He’s refusing to become the abuser, to put Neil in that position because he knows what it feels like
Andrew can be selfish at times, he can be violent and inconsiderate and downright cruel but in this moment he is just a vulnerable boy saying ‘they never let me choose, I won’t be like them’ with the way he walks away
The thing I find sad about this is that Andrew probably does believe “it is just a key.” He gives, gives, gives. And people take, take, take. Sometimes they take what he hasn’t willingly given. Andrew is so used to people (like Kevin and Aaron) taking from him without appreciating what he has done for them that he probably doesn’t believe it’s a big deal. But Neil doesn’t instantly take from Andrew. Neil’s not used to receiving gifts. He hesitates and acknowledges its worth. With him, it’s not an expectation.
Which is important because there is something else to consider here too. Neil helped pay for the car, but he does not feel he is owed the right to a key. He’s honoring his deal with Andrew. The car belongs to Andrew to do with as he wishes.
The value of the key giving for Neil is finding a home, a place he belongs, where he can be himself. It’s a great symbolic gesture for Neil’s character arc. And it works both ways. What happens when someone respects Andrew’s boundaries? Believes in his promises? Honors deals?
Well, we know Andrew gives Neil keys. What do keys do? They let people in.
And Andrew is letting Neil in the only way he knows how.
Cigarettes and knives, knives and cigarettes
Watch the gasoline light and see how high it gets
Walk in the flames, it doesn’t burn anymore
Memories are the real pain, the burn from before
Now there’s fire in your eyes, blazing bright!
But it’s quick to die, the withering light
Your hopes, your dreams, they float away
The smoke, the smoke’s here to stay
You’re choking, choking
You’re soaking in blood
Is it your own?
Who knows, but who has time to care?
When the real villain here is quite clear
It’s the mirror, the mirror, break it, destroy it!
Stab it, rip it! You’re an old toy
Your owner got grown and now you’re alone
Alone? Yes alone, there is nobody here
Nobody in the mirror besides the smoke and the fear
But then you grow up, quicker than you should
You stamp out the fear and cut down the wood
Light it on fire, quick, watch it burn!
The field of your emotions is nothing but fern
That’s soon to die, to die, to die
Now you stand up high, try to feel
It cannot be him, this is not real
His hair’s of fire, his eyes of ice
Every word he says, they’re all lies
Can you trust him? No you can’t!
But you have to, don’t you?
So you play a game, a game of wits
Truth for truth, coming in bits
Sort through the pieces and fit them together
Build them up and protect them
You’ve worked too hard to let this burn
So you give him a key, a home, a kiss
Just something simple, something you won’t miss
But this is all wrong, something is mistaken
It was just a risk you’ve taken
But look what’s happened
You’re not up high, you’re feeling again
And you’re not sure why
But maybe you are, it’s this boy and his lies
The way he looks at you without despise
This is all wrong! Look in the mirror!
There’s nothing but a monster, stripped of fear
But there’s something behind it, something you feel
Something that feels just too real.
Burn it! Rip it! Slash it! Kill it!
You pick up a knife and you simply stare
You look in the mirror and you do not dare
It’s there, it’s there! The light in your eyes!
But you cannot, simply cannot
So put down the knife, say a percent,
It will take a while to know what this meant
Cigarettes and knives, knives and cigarettes
You’re not quite sure what this means yet
So you watch the smoke blow from your lips
Drop the cigarette, another percent slips
But you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’ve found the truth, and this is home.
cigarettes and knives, knives and cigarettes | s.w. (via celestialmoreau)
1. WHEN HE CARESSES NEIL’S BACK RIGHT AFTER STOPPING WYMACK FROM GOING OFF ON HIM RIGHT AFTER TELLING RIKO THAT HE DOESN’T SHARE LIKE NEIL IS HIS???? AND NEIL GETS GOOSEBUMPS AND I’M LIKE ???????? WHY IS THIS SO GAY ALREADY???? 2. “STAY AWAY FROM US” I CAN’T EVEN. ANDREW ANDREW PLEASE ANDREW YOU SAY THAT IT’S NOTHING BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE NOTHING WITH 2 SUBJECTS PLEASE ONTOLOGY DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT PLEASE 3. THE BUS SCENE. NO NOT THE KISS BEFORE THAT WHEN NEIL STARTS RAMBLING ABOUT THE CITIES HE WENT THROUGH AND ANDREW STAYS WITH HIS EYES RIGHT ON NEIL THE WHOLE TIME “He never once took his eyes off Neil’s face or looked like he was mentally tuning out of the conversation” MY BOY IS DRINKING EVERY SINGLE TRUE WORD FROM HIS CRUSH AND THEN ACTUALLY SHARES A BIT OF HIS PAST TOO I’M DONE THEY’RE THIS CLOSE TO ASK EACH OTHER’S FAVOURITE COLOUR I’M EMBARRASSED FOR THEM 4. the shower scene, obviously. like, obviously. 5. “There was a crash behind Nathaniel, the unmistakable sound of a body slamming into wood. He turned as Andrew forced his way into the room” THIS BOY WAS READY TO TEAR THE STADIUM DOWN BRICK BY BRICK AND THE MOMENT HE KNEW THAT NEIL WAS RIGHTTHERE HE LITERALLY BULLDOZED IN
I might have a tiny bit of kink for andrew breaking his poker face
The first time Andrew sees Neil, he thinks: this could be a problem. He thinks: threat. He thinks: warning. He thinks.
Output: “I’m not a math problem.”
He thinks: This boy is a problem that doesn’t add up. Or maybe Andrew isn’t as smart as he thought he was.
He thinks: he’ll still solve him anyway.
Partial answers. Half truths. Truth for truth. Truth=truth. Sunrise, Abram, Death.
He thinks: “I am not your answer and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.” There’s a missing variable somewhere that they both lack. The answer can not possibly lie here.
He thinks: 90%. 91,92,93… This problem that keeps giving and these answers that keep changing.
And suddenly the answer doesn’t fucking matter. Not when the problem itself is missing. Suddenly, he’s gone. And Andrew isn’t sure where to look for it.
He blinks and suddenly it’s there, just as it was. Waiting to be found. Hidden in the jumble of words and numbers and Thank you, you were amazing.
Andrew puts his trust in deals because he believes the only reason people have for staying around is if they’re getting something out of him.
The only person who’s part of his group Andrew doesn’t explicitly make a deal with is Nicky who essentially picked the twins over Erik and his life in Germany. Which is why it’s so important when he breaks off his deal with Neil because he’s putting trust in Neil to stick around even when he’s not getting anything out of it from Andrew. Both of them want nothing from their relationship.
I think another reason Andrew makes his deals is because it allows him to control what people are allowed to take from him. It’s a bridge to functioning with others.
But then Neil comes along and muddies the waters because he respects boundaries, and his damn martyr complex means he will give to and for Andrew without expecting anything in return. Andrew doesn’t end up needing a deal with Neil because he doesn’t need to control what Neil will take from him.
A relationship based on deals would never work out. Which is why their relationship is based on trust.
Nothing but My Aching Soul 