Remember when Andrew and Kevin were drinking while Neil was standing at the edge of the balcony, watching his friends dancing and having a good time, knowing he could never be a part of that? Well:
The whole team goes on another trip to Columbia to celebrate their victory
Neil’s debating whether or not to go dancing, but of course he isn’t going to say anything and he likes staying with Andrew too
And Neil knows there is no point in asking Andrew to dance because even if he agreed to, Andrew would not be comfortable on a packed dance floor
And Neil wants Andrew comfortable a lot more than he wants to dance with him
When the upperclassmen and Aaron and Nicky are heading off to go dancing, Renee asks Neil if he wants to come along
Neil hesitates for just long enough to reveal he’s considering it
Aaron takes off without waiting to see Neil’s verdict while Nicky starts up the “Come on, Neil. You never dance with us. Just once can’t you follow someone other than Andrew and Kevin’s lead and actually try to be fun?”
And Allison’s already trying to drag him out of his chair while Dan tries to talk him into it and Matt chants his name in encouragement
i get so excited over the thought of neil and andrew just… living. every day. boring days! days where the most eventful thing they do is grocery shop!! neil’s camera roll overflowing with footage of the cats, andrew, andrew WITH the cats, and the foxes! learning and developing as people! neil acknowledging that he’s allowed to like other things than just exy! the both of them watching their favorite tv show in the evenings during dinner! knowing the other’s routine for bed every night! i just love!!!! neil and andrew as happy older men!
The words “don’t make me beg” cause Andrew to freeze. They’re not whine out in frustration or passion but breathed out small and anxious, soft and brittle and vulnerable. Andrew looks up and sees the almost panic on Neil’s face, the half-hidden shame that rests there, and removes his hands from Neil’s body.
“You don’t have to stop,” Neil says, or starts to say but then thinks better of it. He takes a deep breath and pulls his hands down to his chest, clasping them prayer like in the way Andrew knows is Neil wanting to reach out but not. He’s almost thankful, almost angry, doesn’t know what or why he feels so he sits back and creates a pocket of distance between them.
“What’s wrong?” Andrew asks. They’re better at this now, talking instead of just hoping the other will understand.
“It’s stupid,” Neil says, chewing on his lip.
Andrew raises an eyebrow and waits patiently for Neil to work it out.
Neil closes his eyes and they both wait until their breathing evens back out. Neil reaches for his shirt Andrew had tossed to the floor and Andrew gets it for him. Neil shrugs into the soft cotton like armor and twists his hands into the hems. “Sometimes when you get me laid out like that, it’s like you want to hear me beg,” Neil says. He won’t quite make eye contact and Andrew hates it but he won’t touch Neil right now.
Andrew pushes out a harsh breath through his nose. Truth for truth, words laid open and bare. “I like to hear you ask for it,” Andrew says. It’s like confirmation that Neil wants him, that his yes is genuine and consent is still there.
“I can’t do that for you,” Neil says and his jaw clenches.
Andrew reaches out a hand, palm inches away from Neil’s cheek in askance but doesn’t touch. Neil breathes out, relieved and exasperated all at once, and leans into the hand. Andrew’s thumb strokes over rough skin gently and he guides Neil into looking at him.
“Why?” Andrew asks, because there’s more that Neil isn’t saying. Things he needs to know so he doesn’t trigger accidental panic like this again. Andrew has always been careful about not breaking his toys.
“In Baltimore,” Neil says, grimacing around the words like they hurt coming out, “Lola made me beg in that car. She made me ask her not to hurt me, not to hurt you. It’s not the same, but…”
But it is, and it’s something Andrew is intimately familiar with. “Okay,” Andrew says, sliding his hand back to cup the back of Neil’s neck.
“Just like that?” Neil asks, but he already knows the answer. Here, in this bed in Columbia, two years and 500 miles away from Baltimore, Neil is safe.
“Just like that,” Andrew says, and presses their foreheads together.
Okay, so this is my very last-minute gift for @nakasomethingkun through @aftgexchange. So, I meant there to be stuff related to the 4th of July and to Andreil reuniting during their long-distance relationship, and this… sort of has that stuff. Anyways, it might not be exactly what I meant it to be, but I kind of like it, so hopefully you will, too?
Neil Josten didn’t pay much attention to birthdays. He willfully ignored his own, did little more than slide a phone to Andrew on his, and in that tradition, America’s birthday was hardly a blip on Neil’s radar.
Other people turned the Fourth of July into an entire spectacle party. Other people woke up early, spent hours in the car, and made their way to a beach or a backyard. They made small talk with people they would have avoided otherwise; they drank more than they would have otherwise; they ate food they wouldn’t have otherwise. Other people turned a regular day into something else, like it was so unique that this country had come to be.
Nothing but My Aching Soul 