Renee: (when asked if she could beat us in a fight) Well I didn’t want to brag but I could destroy all of you.
Kevin: I have training in the morning but that’s for sober me to worry about.
Andrew: I only like two things in life: being gay and getting into fights. And I just got done being gay.
Aaron: I’m going to the library. If you see me there, please pretend you didn’t.
Nicky: oh man you’re heterosexual? what a shame. what a fucking shame.
Dan: My mom was artificially inseminated. I didn’t need a man to be born and I don’t need one now.
Matt: You guys are my friends and I love you but you’re fucking idiots.
Neil: I’m starting to realize I didn’t have a happy childhood. Should I, like, see a therapist or something?
Allison: I’d invite you to thanksgiving at my family’s summer home in Vermont but I can’t let you see me and my family wear matching polo shirts and khakis
Bonus from my RA:
David: I want you all to consider me a friend! But also remember that I can get you kicked out so don’t pull any shit.
Abby: No need to call 911. I have some bandaids in my room and also some vodka but don’t tell anyone about that.
Bee: You can talk to me at any time, day or night. But I know you won’t, you emotionally stunted bastards.