hot take: neil and andrew say they love each other. it goes like this:
it takes neil a while to realize he’s in love with andrew. he always knew he cared for him, deeply, but he’d never really loved or been loved by anyone so he wasn’t able to recognize it when he fell for andrew.
but then one of the foxes makes a comment that ends in “you guys are so in love :-)” or something like that, and at first neil scoffs, and andrew’s silent, because?? in love?? haha. yeah right. but then neil thinks about it. like, really thinks about it, and later that night it clicks that. yeah. he’s in love with andrew, of course he is.
and he has to tell him, because he’s never been good at keeping his mouth shut, even if he thinks andrew’s not gonna reciprocate. so up on the roof that night he admits he loves andrew, not expecting a response, but andrew tells him “i assumed it went without saying, but apparently you need everything spelled out for you. i love you.”
You know what’s interesting here? I think this might be the first time (or the first time in a long time) that Andrew’s been told to his face that he’s not some heartless monster.
It’s very clear from the very beginning that Andrew couldn’t give two shits about what other people might think of him. But for the first time, here’s someone who blatantlylooks at him like he’s a human and not a sociopath, and what’s more, that person is also threatening to fight anyone who might say anything against him.
Andrew’s world has not worked like that up to this point. In his world so far, everything’s been an exchange. If he does this, he’ll get something in return. Nothing more and nothing less. A promise is a promise and the cold, hard, law.
And now he’s got Neil Josten over here: someone who’s sacrificed himself to Riko over winter break once already for Andrew, and is now casually speaking about doing it again. Can you imagine how unsettling that might be?
No wonder Andrew says the “going on ninety-three”. He’s unnerved. Things don’t work like that for him. These kinds of actions are not given freely. Neil Josten is over here trying to turn Andrew’s world on it’s side.
(I could also go on about how Neil Josten is a person that has spent a good 18 years of his life not thinking about anyone’s survival but his own and is now over here casually offering to fight those who might besmirch Andrew’s honor but we’ll save that for another post)
when andrew sees neil, his face is blank. he’s not smiling, not frowning, not turning away either; it’s a challenge, how bored he looks, how he regards neil like you would a white ceiling. it’s a statement– and a lie, even though he gives nothing away.
because i promise you, when andrew sees neil, it doesn’t show because andrew stays in control, but all the while and every single time he is thinking, like a sigh maybe, he’s thinking “oh” and “fuck” and “neil.” neil neil neil neil.
when andrew sees neil, he has to remember not to perk up. he is suddenly aware of the set of his own mouth, the muscles of his own face, which he holds carefully still. he is mindful of where he puts his hands and how he places them and he can’t help but monitor neil’s facial expressions, and follow neil’s movements with his eyes, and oh no you don’t, you don’t lean in, body, and you, eyes, don’t you dare soften and jesus christ can’t his brain function properly? but it does already.
Nothing but My Aching Soul 