Freelancing in technical theater means you’re on a lot of different email lists. People need a crew, they send out an email, you respond with your availability. Now, most people start these with things like “hey folks” or “hi everyone”. Neal is not most people.
His openers started off innocent enough.
Then, he started to push boundaries.
And as you can see, it has spiraled out of control since then.
Tag yourselves. I’m the anteater in a suit who thinks he can pass.
“There’s a ten percent chance you’ll last till the end of the year,” Aaron said, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Probably less if I’m being honest, this is a pretty advanced case.”
Neil pressed a hand to his abdomen. Neil’s symptoms had been crippling, but he had expected some kind of stomach bug. Not Aaron telling him he had tested positive to pancreatic cancer. Andrew had all but forced him to Aaron, ignoring Neil’s complaints that his body would sort itself out, and now Neil was discovering that he couldn’t have been more wrong. Distant static rang in his ears as Aaron flipped through his chart for the fifth time.
“Look, I know you come to me because of all your weird trust issues with doctors, but this really isn’t my area of speciality,” Aaron mumbled, snapping the file closed. “I’m going to recommend you to a specialist. From there you’ll probably get put onto a round of adjuvant therapy.”
The static stilled to an eerie buzz. Neil sucked in a breath and felt the iron trap of his ribs press against his lungs. “Will that actually help?”
Aaron flipped Neil’s chart open again. Neil wondered if it was a nervous habit that Aaron displayed with all his patients, or if his fidgeting was because it was Neil he was diagnosing. The two had become far less antagonistic over the years, but their relationship could hardly be described as friendly.
“It’s-” Aaron sighed, “It’s debatable.”
Neil pushed himself off of the examination bed and landed on his feet. “Don’t tell Andrew about this.”
Aaron lifted his hands in mock surrender, and Neil fisted his hand in his shirt over his stomach before leaving.
The outside of the hospital was stark white and the wind unpleasantly warm. Neil leaned against a wall and pulled his phone out. The cool numbness in his chest flared to ice as he hit his speed dial.
“And?” Andrew asked in lieu of a hello.
The ice broke into shards and sent blood rushing into his lungs. Neil was drowning. “I was right,” he said, ignoring the panic snarling under his skin, “It was just a stomach bug.”
“Better safe than sorry,” Andrew replied.
Neil dug his teeth into his cheek. “I figured I might as well go shopping for when you come over this weekend. Anything you feel like in particular?”
“I might be a bit late on Friday night,” Andrew said, voice cracking due to bad signal. “Johnson wants to run over some drills. This wouldn’t be a problem if he would just agree to sign you.”
“I’m too expensive, remember?” Neil said as he stepped away from the wall and dug his car keys from his pocket. “It’s fine, I’ll make something for you anyway and leave it in the microwave.”
Neil slid into the car and dropped his forehead to the steering wheel. “I’ll be sure to stock up on that new chocolate brand you’re obsessed with as well.”
The call came to an end shortly after that. Neil spend a moment more with his face pressed against the wheel, picking apart the complex tangle of emotion unraveling in his gut. Anger and sadness stumbled over each other. Fury at the fact that he had survived so much only to be taken out by his own body, sorrow at the fact that he had had so little time with Andrew. Six measly years wasn’t nearly enough. With any of the foxes. He would have to tell them eventually, but it wasn’t exactly a conversation he could have over the phone and getting them all together would be difficult with their schedules. Telling them individually would probably end in disaster because the news would inevitably spread before he got through all of them. At any rate he would tell Andrew first. And Andrew would be spending the weekend at Neil’s apartment, so they had a whole two days to work through it. Neil took another shuddering breath and shifted the car into first.
—–
Andrew dropped his duffel bag by the door as soon as he stepped through and Neil had to reign in an eyeroll. Andrew’s complete disregard for Neil’s space was both hilarious and antagonising.
The past two days had passed slowly. Neil had run himself ragged, but he was still benched over his ‘stomach bug’, and at times it had felt like Friday night would never arrive.
“Why are you still up?” Andrew asked as he took Neil’s cup of tea out of his hand and contemplated it with disgust before taking a sip.
Neil had planned to tell Andrew as soon as he got home, but looking at Andrew with his tired eyes and stiff posture made Neil’s tongue stick to the roof of his mouth.
“Just waiting for you,” he said at length, “Let’s get to bed before we both pass out in my entrance way.”
Andrew grunted in confirmation and kicked his shoes off before following Neil further into the apartment. He dug some sleeping clothes out of Neil’s drawer, completely ignoring the ones he had brought with him. The pants were too long, drowning his feet so that only his toes poked out. Neil felt his lips pull up into a smile despite the acidic burn in his abdomen. He thought of a time when he had been ready to rip down a photograph as he stared death in the face. Back then he’d been looking at Andrew as he accepted that his life would end sooner rather than later, and he was doing the same thing now. The bitter, unwanted nostalgia had his hands shaking.
The sound of Andrew pushing the blankets around dragged Neil back into the present. “Neil, come here.”
Neil curled his hand over his stomach and immediately dropped it. He refused to develop a habitual tell within hours of his diagnosis, but Andrew didn’t miss the aborted motion. “Are you still feeling sick? Do I need to grab a bucket in case you need to puke during the night?”
“I’m fine,” Neil said, wincing slightly at the lie he hadn’t used in years. “I’m just tired, didn’t eat much today.”
“Get over here,” Andrew repeated, “I’m cold and tired.”
Neil flicked the lights off and collapsed next to Andrew. Andrew pressed his feet against Neil’s calves as he slipped under the covers. “What the fuck, Andrew,” Neil said, “It’s the middle of summer. How are your feet this cold?”
“I warned you,” Andrew muttered as he turned his cheek into the pillow. He pulled Neil against his chest as soon as Neil had settled.
His breathing evened out after a few minutes and Neil wove his fingers between Andrew’s where they rested on his stomach. Andrew’s warmth and breath fanning over the back of his neck had adoration blooming in Neil’s blood stream. He wished he could bottle this moment and live in it forever. Now that he knew he had cancer he could almost feel it eating away at his insides like the caustic words he had grown up on.
“Andrew,” he whispered into the darkness, “I’m sorry.” He fell asleep with the heat of Andrew wrapped around him.
—–
Morning came far too quickly and Neil’s eyes fluttered open to the sound of the percolator gurgling in the kitchen. A pan clattered against the stove and Neil dragged himself out of the queen bed to go poke at the pancakes that Andrew was inevitably making.
He walked into the kitchen as Andrew was divvying the offending pancakes onto two plates. “You missed your run this morning,” he commented as he slid Neil’s plate across the table.
Neil hummed non committedly and dropped into the kitchen stool. “Andrew,” he said before pausing. He had no idea how he was supposed to phrase this confession. Aaron had been cold and clinical as he delivered the news, but this was Neil’s life, and he couldn’t repeat it with the same detachment. He must have been quiet for too long because Andrew kicked his foot from under the table.
“I was thinking we should get a place together,” Neil went with instead, latching onto an idea he had formed months ago, “We’re not on the same team, but maybe we could get a third place that we could meet up on the weekends. If it’s between our two teams we can see each other more often.”
Andrew bumped Neil’s foot again. “That won’t be necessary when I get Johnson to sign you.”
Neil rolled his eyes, but Andrew was like a bulldog holding onto a bone, and Neil didn’t miss the implication that Andrew was pushing for them to be on the same team so they could live together permanently. White panic bubbled up in his throat at the thought of Andrew being left alone, but he swallowed it down with practised ease.
“I need to go out for a bit today,” Neil said.
Andrew had finished his breakfast and was reaching for Neil’s plate. Neil pushed it over obediently. His appetite had all but died in the past few weeks anyway.
“Pick up some Italian for lunch on your way back,” Andrew said and Neil felt relieved that Andrew seemed disinterested in where he was going.
Neil drove to a nearby coffee shop and pulled his phone from his pocket. He scrolled through his contacts until he found Aaron’s number and hit the dial button.
“Josten, why are you calling me on my one day off?”
“The treatment you mentioned, can you explain how it works?”
Aaron huffed over the line and Neil heard him calling to Kaitlyn that he would be in his office. After another moment he said, “Aren’t you with Andrew?”
Neil scoffed. “I’m slightly more intelligent than you give me credit for. I left the apartment for a bit. Anyway, the a-something therapy. How does it work?”
“Adjuvant therapy? You would have to take drugs called cytotoxics that kill the cancer cells. Although in your case they would most likely only slow the growth of the tumour. You’d lose all your hair though” Aaron hummed in contemplation and Neil could hear him shuffling papers around in the background. “If that doesn’t work they might try radiology. But with that also comes hair loss and weakness. I’m not trying to discourage you, but I have to be honest and say that it’s unlikely to make a difference.”
A waitress made her way over to Neil, and flicked him an irritated glare when Neil waved her away. “I’ll discuss it with Andrew when I tell him about this,” Neil said as he felt his composure crack.
“I can’t believe you haven’t told Andrew yet.”
“I don’t know how to,” Neil snarled. This was the closest Neil and Aaron had ever come to talking about feelings and Neil’s familiar coping mechanisms were snapping at his heels.
“I wouldn’t know how to tell Kaitlyn either,” Aaron said in a rare display of empathy.
Neil snapped the phone shut without a goodbye and started jogging back towards Andrew’s favourite Italian place.
When he walked through the front door of his apartment the TV was on low volume, and Neil vaguely recognised the movie Andrew had on. Andrew himself was sprawled across the couch, back pressing up against the armrest.
“I got your favourite,” Neil said as he dropped down beside his partner. Andrew grunted a response and dug his toes under Neil’s thigh. He hadn’t changed out of Neil’s sleepwear, and his hair was still puffed up from being pressed against a pillow the whole night. The light streaming through the window turned his hair into honey and his eyes into amber and for a moment Neil could do nothing but stare at him.
“Andrew,” he said, pain clenching around his heart, “what would you do if I ever died?”
Andrew turned his face away from the TV to look at Neil. “You’re not dying.”
Neil drove his teeth into his cheek. “Everybody dies. Would you be able to move on? To find someone else?” Neil felt a stab of jealousy at the thought of Andrew doing this with someone else, but the idea of Andrew being alone for the next forty something years had venom filling Neil’s mouth.
Andrews eyes darkened as he regarded Neil. “No, I wouldn’t.”
The blunt honesty sent Neil reeling and he dropped a hand on Andrew’s calf to ground himself. Nausea sat like turbulence in his stomach.
“Would you?”
“I could never move on from you.”
Andrew accepted Neil’s admission with a nod and turned back to the TV. The two sat in silence until Andrew got up to eat, throwing glances at Neil as he sat on the couch and stared at nothing in particular.
—–
Sunday morning rolled around too quickly, and Neil had four hours before Andrew had to leave. Four hours to tell him. Andrew sat on the edge of the bathtub as Neil emptied his already empty stomach into the toilet. Boiling pain sat at the base of his back and abdomen as Neil spat bile into the bowl.
“Drew,” Neil said, leaning back against the cold tiles of the wall, “I have to tell you something.” He waited for Andrew to gesture him to him to keep talking before saying, “I’m sick.”
“I can see that, Neil,” Andrew drawled.
Neil struggled for words and after a couple of false starts settled on: “I’m not going to get better. I have pancreatic cancer.”
Stifling silence blanketed the room and Neil swallowed around the sour taste on his tongue. “Andr-” Neil started, but was cut off when Andrew stood and walked out of the room. Neil heard shuffling in the entrance way and the front door opening and banging shut a few moments later. He dropped his head against the wall behind him and ran his fingers over his abdomen as his ears rang with the thud of a closing door.
A familiar ringtone broke through the static and Neil dragged himself off the floor to go grab his cell off of the bedroom side table.
“Hey, Matt,” he answered as he held the phone to his ear.
“Why did Andrew send a mass text telling us to all be at your apartment tomorrow night?” Dan demanded. “What is going on?”
Neil should have felt some degree of surprise that Andrew had dragged the other foxes into this, but Andrew was still an instigator at heart, even after all these years.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Neil could feel the sardonic smile twist his lips as he spoke.
Neil could feel Dan’s disapproval over the line. “If Andrew is reaching out to us it must be serious. I’m surprised he still has all our numbers.”
He didn’t, but his steel trap memory had kept them in his head. The only number he had saved to his phone was Neil’s, and Neil knew that was more symbolic than necessary.
“Will you all be able to make it tomorrow night? We can push it back if we need-”
Dan cut him off sharply, “Come hell or high water we’ll be there. All of us.”
Neil’s smile relaxed into something more natural. “Thanks, Dan. Say hi to Matt and the boys from me.”
When Neil hung up he had three texts and a missed call. He responded to Nicky and Allison with assurances that he would tell them what was going on when they were there before opening a message from Aaron. It was a screenshot of Andrew’s message, a simple ‘Be at Neil’s apartment tomorrow night at 7’ with the caption ‘I see you told him’. Neil didn’t bother responding, but didn’t delete the message either. The missed call was from Kevin, and must have come in while he was on the phone with Dan. He ignored that as well and put his phone on silent.
—–
Neil was dozing on the bed when he heard the front door unlocking. “Andrew?” he called out in confusion. Andrew should have been half way back to Atlanta by then, but nobody else had keys to his apartment.
Andrew walked into the bedroom and leaned against the doorframe. He had bruises blossoming on his cheek and chin, and his knuckles looked red and raw.
“Andrew,” Neil breathed. Freezing panic clawed over his limbs as he stood up and stumbled towards the other man. He lifted his hand so it was hovering a fraction away from Andrew’s cheek. Andrew nodded stiffly and Neil cupped Andrew’s face, turning it towards the light to get a better look at the damage. “What did you do?”
Neil didn’t expect an explanation, and he didn’t get one. “Come on,” he sighed, “Let’s wrap those knuckles up.”
The bathroom still smelled faintly of bile, and Neil wrinkled his nose at the acrid scent. Andrew didn’t even seem to notice as Neil dug through the cabinet for bandages and disinfectant. He gestured for Andrew to sit on the edge of the tub and Neil didn’t miss the way Andrew’s fist clenched, but for once he did what he was asked without a fight. Neil swallowed another sigh and started gently cleaning around the scrapes.
“You shouldn’t be doing this,” Andrew ground out after a few minutes.
“I’m not sure you could do this by yourself with your non-dominant hand,” Neil said, eyebrows furrowing.
“No, Junkie,” Andrew said as he threw Neil a glare, “You shouldn’t be taking care of me when you’re the one who’s-” It was unusual for Andrew not to have his words perfectly thought out before he voiced them, but his sentence came to an abrupt halt. His expression darkened and for a moment Neil didn’t recognise the man he was looking at. Andrew reached for Neil’s hand and dug his short nails into Neil’s wrist. “I hate you so much I can barely stand it.”
The painful pressure of Andrew’s fingers diluted the warring emotions sprinting through Neil’s mind and his eyes fluttered shut. “I’ll always take care of you.”
“No,” Andrew said, “you won’t.”
Neil’s eyes blinked open, and he barely caught himself from recoiling from what he saw in Andrew’s.
“Drew, come back to me. Stay with me, even if it’s just for now.” Neil’s words made the cold distance bleed from Andrew’s eyes, and he threw Neil’s hand to the side. Neil surrendered the bandages to Andrew and watched as he wrapped them around his hand with stiff movements. “Shouldn’t you be in Atlanta by now?”
Andrew looked up from the white gauze and the curve of his brow was almost enough to make Neil laugh.
“I’m glad you’re still here,” Neil said after a moment of silence.
“How are you feeling?” Andrew asked, looking as though every word burned his throat on the way up. Neil scoured his memory for any instance of Andrew enquiring after his emotions or physical sensations and found none. Warmth spread through his chest.
“Like somebody has injected hydrochloric acid into my lower back,” Neil answered honestly. Andrew’s stare was heavy and Neil guessed at his thoughts. “Aaron said I can be put on a course of chemotherapy, but he wasn’t very optimistic about the outcome.”
“Pancreatic cancer has a seven percent chance of survival over five years.”
Neil found Andrew’s hand where it rested on the side of the tub and gently ran the pads of his fingers over Andrew’s split knuckles. Andrew flipped his hand over and slotted their fingers together.
“I might not have that long,” Neil whispered. Panic as familiar as Andrew’s face beat through Neil’s pulse and he tightened his grip on Andrew’s hand. He would have to tell Andrew how he felt before the end, but the weight of those three words felt inappropriate for the situation.
“You’ve survived worse odds,” Andrew said.
“Yeah,” Neil said, threading his other fingers through Andrew’s pale hair. Neil pushed himself onto his knees and bumped his nose into Andrew’s where Andrew met him halfway. Andrew parted his lips and the kiss deepened for an instant before Andrew’s phone started buzzing in his pocket. Neil pulled away and rested his forehead against Andrew’s. “You should answer that, it’s probably Kevin demanding to know if I can still play Exy or if this ‘big announcement’ is me quitting the sport.”
Andrew dug the ringing phone from his pocket and flipped it open. “Kevin,” he said into the receiver and Neil rolled his eyes. Neil could vaguely hear Kevin ranting on the other side of the line, but Andrew only listened for a few moment before hanging up.
“Not in the mood to listen to his single mindedness?” Neil asked.
“Not in the mood to hear Kevin complain about you. Up,” Andrew said, motioning with his phone still in his hand at the door. “I hate calling the chinese place and you already know my order.”
Neil scoffed but pushed himself up from his haunches and accepted Andrew’s cell. Andrew followed him out of the bathroom as Neil dialled the number and waited for somebody to pick up. Neil was tempted to hang up without ordering for himself, but Andrew’s sharp gaze had him settling on beef chow mein.
That night Andrew pulled Neil’s back into his chest and wedged a leg between Neil’s with more force than necessary.
“Drew,” Neil said, waiting for Andrew to tighten his arms around Neil’s waist as confirmation that he was listening. “For once I have no plan for the future. There are no escape routes and stashes of cash that I can use to run away from cancer.” Panic seemed to ebb and flow in Neil’s bloodstream as he thought about the logistics of the situation, one minute seizing up in his chest and leaving him gasping, the next second allowing for nothing but numbness. “I have to tell the foxes, and my team, and the press, and the moriyamas. My privacy is going to be stripped away while the media and the mafia decide what to do about my future, and that means your privacy is going to be stripped away too.”
Andrew remained silent, but Neil continued despite his lack of response. “What we’ve had has always been just between the two of us, but it’s not going to be like that anymore, so maybe it’s best if-”
“Finish that sentence and I will shank you,” Andrew said.
Tension bled like wet ink from Neil’s frame as he released a breath he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding. “Yeah,” he said as he ghosted his fingertips over Andrew’s wrist.
Andrew bunched his fingers in the fabric over Neil’s heart. “We’ll figure this out together,” he murmured into Neil’s nape.
Neil twisted under the sheets until he was facing Andrew. “Yeah,” he repeated, brushing his fingertips over Andrew’s wet cheek.
—–
Gaaaahhhh there’s more!
This is heartbreaking and beautiful and I kind of love that Andrew reached out to the rest of the Foxes because he knows Neil will need them? Gonna go sniffle for a while
Hospitals and injury are always such a staple of angst fics, but 9 times out of 10 the author has clearly never been in an emergency situation and the scenes always come off as over-dramatized and completely unbelievable. So here’s a crash course on hospital life and emergencies for people who want authenticity. By someone who spends 85% of her time in a hospital.
Emergency Departments/Ambulances.
Lights and sirens are usually reserved for the actively dying. Unless the person is receiving CPR, having a prolonged seizure or has an obstructed airway, the ambulance is not going to have lights and sirens blaring. I have, however, seen an ambulance throw their lights on just so they can get back to the station faster once. Fuckers made me late for work.
Defibrillators don’t do that. You know, that. People don’t go flying off the bed when they get shocked. But we do scream “CLEAR!!” before we shock the patient. Makes it fun.
A broken limb, surprisingly, is not a high priority for emergency personnel. Not unless said break is open and displaced enough that blood isn’t reaching a limb. And usually when it’s that bad, the person will have other injuries to go with it.
Visitors are not generally allowed to visit a patient who is unstable. Not even family. It’s far more likely that the family will be stuck outside settling in for a good long wait until they get the bad news or the marginally better news. Unless it’s a child. But if you’re writing dying children in your fics for the angst factor, I question you sir.
Unstable means ‘not quite actively dying, but getting there’. A broken limb, again, is not unstable. Someone who came off their motorbike at 40mph and threw themselves across the bitumen is.
CPR is rarely successful if someone needs it outside of hospital. And it is hard fucking work. Unless someone nearby is certified in advanced life support, someone who needs CPR is probably halfway down the golden tunnel moving towards the light.
Emergency personnel ask questions. A lot of questions. So many fucking questions. They don’t just take their next victim and rush off behind the big white doors into the unknown with just a vague ‘WHAT HAPPENED? SHE HIT HER HEAD?? DON’T WORRY SIR!!!’ They’re going to get the sir and ask him so many questions about what happened that he’s going to go cross eyed. And then he’s going to have to repeat it to the doctor. And then the ICU consultant. And the police probably.
In a trauma situation (aka multiple injuries (aka car accident, motorbike accident, falling off a cliff, falling off a horse, having a piano land on their head idfk you get the idea)) there are a lot of people involved. A lot. I can’t be fucked to go through them all, but there’s at least four doctors, the paramedics, five or six nurses, radiographers, surgeons, ICU consultants, students, and any other specialities that might be needed (midwives, neonatal transport, critical retrieval teams etc etc etc). There ain’t gonna be room to breathe almost when it comes to keeping someone alive.
Emergency departments are a life of their own so you should probably do a bit of research into what might happen to your character if they present there with some kind of illness or injury before you go ahead and scribble it down.
Wards
Nurses run them. No seriously. The patient will see the doctor for five minutes in their day. The nurse will do the rest. Unless the patient codes.
There is never a defibrillator just sitting nearby if a patient codes.
And we don’t defibrillate every single code.
If the code does need a defibrillator, they need CPR.
And ICU.
They shouldn’t be on a ward.
There are other people who work there too. Physiotherapists will always see patients who need rehab after breaking a limb. Usually legs, because they need to be shown how to use crutches properly.
Wards are separated depending on what the patient’s needs are. Hospitals aren’t separated into ICU, ER and Ward. It’s usually orthopaedic, cardiac, neuro, paediatric, maternity, neonatal ICU, gen surg, short stay surg, geriatric, palliative…figure out where your patient is gonna be. The care they get is different depending on where they are.
ICU.
A patient is only in ICU if they’re at risk of active dying. I swear to god if I see one more broken limb going into ICU in a fic to rank up the angst factor I’m gonna shit. It doesn’t happen. Stop being lazy.
Tubed patients can be awake. True story. They can communicate too. Usually by writing, since having a dirty great tube down the windpipe tends to impede ones ability to talk.
The nursing care is 1:1 on an intubated patient. Awake or not, the nurse is not gonna leave that room. No, not even to give your stricken lover a chance to say goodbye in private. There is no privacy. Honestly, that nurse has probably seen it all before anyway.
ICU isn’t just reserved for intubated patients either. Major surgeries sometimes go here post-op to get intensive care before they’re stepped down. And by major I mean like, grandpa joe is getting his bladder removed because it’s full of cancer.
Palliative patients and patients who are terminalwill not go to ICU. Not unless they became terminally ill after hitting ICU. Usually those ones are unexpected deaths. Someone suffering from a long, slow, gradually life draining illness will probably go to a general ward for end of life care. They don’t need the kind of intensive care an ICU provides because…well..they’re not going to get it??
Operations.
No one gets rushed to theatre for a broken limb. Please stop. They can wait for several days before they get surgery on it.
Honestly? No one gets ‘rushed’ to theatre at all. Not unless they are, again, actively dying, and surgery is needed to stop them from actively dying.
Except emergency caesarians. Them babies will always get priority over old mate with the broken hip. A kid stuck in a birth canal and at risk of death by pelvis is a tad more urgent than a gall stone. And the midwives will run. I’ve never seen anyone run as fast as a midwife with a labouring woman on the bed heading to theatres for an emergency caesar.
Surgery doesn’t take as long as you think it does. Repairing a broken limb? Two hours, maybe three tops. Including time spent in recovery. Burst appendix? Half an hour on the table max, maybe an hour in recovery. Caesarian? Forty minutes or so. Major surgeries (organs like kidneys, liver and heart transplants, and major bowel surgeries) take longer.
You’re never going to see the theatre nurses. Ever. They’re like their own little community of fabled myth who get to come to work in their sweatpants and only deal with unconscious people. It’s the ward nurse who does the pick up and drop offs.
Anyway there’s probably way, way more that I’m forgetting to add but this is getting too long to keep writing shit. The moral of the story is do some research so you don’t look like an idiot when you’re writing your characters getting injured or having to be in hospital. It’s not Greys Anatomy in the real world and the angst isn’t going to be any more intense just because you’re writing shit like it is.
Peace up.
Ya hear that, Buckley? Loss.jpeg ain’t realistic.
of all the additions and replies on this post so far this is by far my fave.
Thumbs up for this from your friendly neighbourhood physician. (Also, I did mostly emergency care for a few years before switching to radiology. I got the adrenaline junking out of my body before settling down.)
One correction from someone who spent almost a decade working in an ambulance across two states: it is required by law to have your lights on if there is a patient in your rig. Now, this might be a state-by-state law IDK, but in both states I worked in, it was the case. You reserve sirens for Serious Shit because, guess what, they stress out the patient, so unless your patient is crashing in the back of your rig, you don’t run a continuous siren. You are, however, once again required by law to turn on the siren briefly while approaching and driving through stop signs or red lights. (You will also use your siren briefly to get idiots in front of you to move over when you’re stuck in traffic and have a patient whose condition can escalate.)
Also, unrelated to the lights and sirens issue, lemme add a detail about us asking a lot of questions. If you want verisimilitude in your story, remember SAMPLE:
Signs and symptoms
Allergies
Medications
Past illness/injury/disease
Last food, drink, and medication taken
Events leading up to the injury or illness
These are the questions EMTs are trained to ask every patient, though they rarely end up coming out in that order. Also, you can totally add a W to that, which is inevitably “Why did you wait so long to call us?” *sighs forever*
And for some more basic on-scene emergency care, remember CABC: C-spine, Airway, Breathing, Circulation. This time, actually in that order (except for cardiac arrest, in which case remember CAB: Compressions, Airway, Breathing).
The long and short of CABC is: if the patient fell or was in a car accident or had any other potentially traumatic injury, start with stabilizing the C-spine (typically via cervical collar and head blocks and backboard), because if there is a fracture in the neck and you don’t manage it and end up severing the spinal cord that high up, your patient’s probably going to die, and if not, will probably be paralyzed from the neck down.
Once C-spine is stable, make sure the patient’s airway is clear (this includes both foreign obstruction and the patient’s own tongue). Yes sometimes this actually involves sticking your finger in their throat to clear shit out, and yes it’s gross. It also means positioning an unconscious patient’s head in a certain way (assuming there is no chance of C-spine damage) to keep the airway open. EMTs also carry little plastic hook things called oropharyngeal airways in a bunch of sizes that keep the patient’s tongue from blocking their airway. And of course if needs be you can intubate, although this is not a skill EMTs have (paramedics do, though, and in some states there’s a certification called EMT-I [the I for intermediate] that also teaches that skill). If someone’s just come across an unconscious person and doesn’t have an airway to use, and you’re sure their C-spine is fine, you can roll them onto their left side and gently curl them; that’ll help keep the airway clear and also helps the heart pump blood a little more efficiently than if you’d rolled them onto their right side.
Anyway, once the airway’s secure, you move on to making sure the patient is actually breathing. If they’re not, you do it for them with an ambu bag. If they are but are struggling, or aren’t struggling but may for any reason potentially go into shock or have compromised circulation (broken leg, high fever, etc.), you give them supplemental oxygen, typically through a nonrebreather mask, though the flow rate depends on their symptoms.
Okay so once we’ve secured the patient’s C-spine, airway, and breathing, only then do we worry about circulation (unless the patient’s in cardiac arrest, remember, in which case we secure circulation first). Which in the case of trauma is generally first aid for serious open wounds and preventing or treating shock, and in the case of medical issues may be getting an ECG reading or administering medication or, if the patient does go into cardiac arrest, chest compressions and defibrillation.
Okay, that’s the end of the CABCs, but you’ll note that in the last para I said treating serious open wounds. Because a minor open wound is going to wait until after the next step after the CABCs, which is a full-body assessment wherein we meticulously assess a trauma patient using palpation from, basically, head to toe, looking for broken bones, soft tissue damage, internal bleeding, etc. Some of those things can be pretty serious, so before we treat a shallow cut, we check for, like, broken ribs that might puncture a lung.
So obviously not all of these things happen all the time. A patient presenting with an asthma attack needs neither a full-body assessment nor C-spine and circulation management. So we just jump straight to airway and breathing and forego the rest. (And then ask anyone with them our SAMPLE questions if the patient is too distressed to speak, because we still need those answers, but also if the patient is too distressed to speak you can bet we’re asking their companion in the back of a moving ambulance.)
Sometimes you spend a Long Fucking Time at a scene, either because the patient is resisting transport (this happens a lot, especially with the uninsured; we stick around and do everything we can to help them while simultaneously trying to encourage them to go to the ER anyway), or because the patient’s trapped in a smashed car and we’ve got to cut the door off and peel the roof back and get a cervical collar and a backboard on the patient while they’re still in the damn driver’s seat and lemme tell you that is a goddamn game of Jenga and can take half an hour, or because the patient isn’t critical but you want to minimize discomfort and damage so you take the time to meticulously package them while also getting all your questions answered on scene to make sure you haven’t missed anything, or because … well, you get the point. Sometimes shit just takes forever.
Other times, we do what’s called a scoop-and-go, typically with patients in critical conditions that can’t really be managed without surgery or medications we don’t carry. Like, patient bleeding out while giving birth? Not a whole lot we can do about that, so we get them in the rig as fast as fucking possible and race to the hospital while trying to get the most critical questions answered. These kinds of situations are very rare, though; it’s much more common to be on scene for 15 or 30 minutes than 5 minutes.
OH AND, another thing. Listen. EMTs do not approach a scene that is not secured. If there’s an active shooter, or a hostage situation, or a raging fire, or a potential for something to explode (or for something that’s already exploded to collapse), or a flash flood, or a hazardous materials spill, or whatever else, we do not go in until the unstable situation has been resolved. It sucks waiting 100 yards away while a critical patient is maybe dying and you can’t get to them yet, but listen, the first thing they teach you is don’t make new patients. IOW, don’t become a victim yourself; you can’t help anyone if you get wounded in the crisis too, and in fact then you’ve just become an additional burden on the personnel remaining.
Okay, so, any questions?
ALL OF THIS. With one exception to what @rachelhaimowitz added, which is:
I’ve never heard of the lights-must-be-on rule. It’s gotta be one or a few specific states. Generally speaking, lights and sirens increase accident rates, and most states are actively trying to REDUCE their use, not increase them, but I don’t know where she lives, so that’s accurate in her part of the country (I’m assuming the US). But it’s inaccurate in most of the country.
xoxo, Aunt Scripty
the number one thing i think writers consistently get wrong is this:
it’s hard work being a patient.
you don’t blissfully black out at the scene and wake up in a clean white room with everything fixed. depending on the specifics, you can be awake and functioning through absolutely ridiculous levels of pain. ask me how i know. except don’t. i don’t want to talk about it. you can be a complete disaster area, and you’ll still have to answer questions. unless you’re actively dying this minute, someone will interrupt your sobbing and vomiting to ask for your insurance card. you’ll have to describe your symptoms even if they seem obvious. you’ll have to get your blood pressure and temperature taken, possibly multiple times, even if you’re curled in a whimpering ball. these are procedures they don’t skip.
there won’t be soothing words and back pats. your dignity is not the medical workers’ concern. they are going to be as efficient and proper as possible about helping you. they may or may not be kind about it. they’re not going to wait while you have dramatics over the situation, certainly; whoever you brought in with you is going to get kicked out if they’re keeping you from cooperating with care.
there’s a lot of waiting even when things are moving along briskly – you’ll get left in a room while people do things where you can’t see. you’ll feel lonely and neglected. it can be tremendously scary, wondering if maybe they just forgot about you, even though you’re sure they wouldn’t.
throughout it all, you will be ugly. you’ll be dirty and smelly. your hair will be messed up and sweaty. if you were wearing makeup when you got sick/injured, it’s now smeared hilariously across your face. whatever blood/vomit/urine/whatever you get on yourself, you’ll be wearing it until you’re well enough to shower. the emergency room isn’t a spa, nobody’s coming with a loofah. you get to stay gross.
and you don’t get to just lie there. if you physically can move, you’ll be expected to. you can get help, and ride in a wheelchair if walking’s hard, but you’ll undress yourself and put on your own smock, you’ll get onto and off of the cot yourself, you’ll turn over so they can see your other side, all that good stuff – you’re present and participating, no matter how distressed.
you won’t even get a painkiller until after quite a lot of investigation. you definitely won’t get knockout drugs unless you’re going directly into surgery.
oh, and being intubated kinda rips up your throat, so you won’t be very chatty after surgery either.
the kind of hospital scene where our hero goes directly from the gunshot to waking up wan but clean, and everyone gathers around to discuss the next plot item, drives me extra batshit after my recent hospital adventures. not that i guess you particularly want to watch a movie where they devote much screentime to being catheterized, but let’s at least dispense with the ‘blurry semi-conscious face on the gurney and then blackness’ bit, and maybe have some characters babbling like drunks, or making the war face to keep from hollering, or in some way reacting individually to being afraid and in pain.
one thing that’s less unpleasant than fiction makes it – for your usual sort of ‘i got fucked up’ emergency room visit, if you’re not getting rushed into surgery, they don’t forbid people other than blood family or a legal spouse from coming with you. if your best friend or coworker or some random samaritan brings you in, you can have them sit with you while you get stitched up. basically, as long as they’re being helpful and not disruptive, you probably won’t get any objections. you can only have one person, though, apparently; my last visit i had both my spouse and my home care person, and when it got down to brass tacks one of them had to go back to the waiting room. i think just because the exam rooms aren’t very big.
Sad update everyone, Tama recently passed away… An estimated 3,000 people, including railway officials, attended Tama the cat’s funeral on Sunday, days after she died of heart failure aged 16. [x]
For those who haven’t read articles about it, the local shrine elevated her to a god. She’s now the Eternal Stationmaster and patron god of the station.
Beautiful.
Now I’m crying thanks
and a new cat was hired right?
yep! her name is Nitama (essentially ”second tama” or “tama II”) and she served under Tama as an apprentice before being appointed her deputy
she works very hard
Everytime this crosses my dash, I reblog. It is the law.
I don’t claim to create any of these and please feel free to add on bUT HERE YOU GO YOU PRECIOUS DORKS HAVE FUN
General
Coffee Shop AU
together literally every day AU
vet clinic AU
college professors AU
on a train together and the train is stopped in the middle of nowhere for some reason AU
Letter found in an old notebook AU
Road trip across the country and accidentally crossing paths AU
Work at the same shitty restaurant and have all the same shitty shift times AU
Record store AU
basically just like a coffee shop AU but with music
Always getting the same cashier when checking out at Target no matter what day it is AU
1950’s diner AU
Youtubers AU
Found the phone number of an old childhood friend in some box at the back of your closet and decided to call it to see if it still worked AU
‘I live in the apartment below yours and I keep getting your mail this needs to stop dammit’ AU
Going up to the mountains for Christmas and getting stuck at the ski resort because of bad weather AU
ENGLISH LOVE AFFAIR AU
Going to the fair and rocking the Ferris wheel seat so the person sitting next to you clings to you like a lifeline AU
Walked into the wrong classroom and didn’t realize until halfway through AU
Hugged to wrong person from behind AU
Waved back at someone who wasn’t waving to you in the first place AU
snowed in AU
lives alone in the woods and finds a confused lost person walking around AU
finding a puppy on the side of the road AU
asthma attack without the inhaler in the middle of the night and the other one has to calm them down AU
spy AU
con artists AU
grew up as best friends but you got hot over the summer can I touch ur biceps AU
scared of flying AU
“I have no idea how to work this washing machine, can you help me?“
person A asking for directions from person B because they’re new in town and hopelessly lost
constantly fighting for the best seat in the library/coffee shop/whatever
Neighbors who only meet because I cannot get this stupid jar open, can you help?
Argue over the last jar of cranberry sauce at the 7/11 au.
Both stood up on blind dates au
Buddy cop au
1940s noir au
Meet in a diner at 2am au
Patients on the same hospital ward au
while volunteering in the library for a summer reading scheme, got talking to the guy who brought cousins to sign up au
talked for hours in a queue for tickets au
asked for advice for a recipe in the supermarket because you had no internet connection au
showed you had to use the gym equipment and then turned out to be your gym class instructor au
met at a Renaissance faire AU
sat next to each other on a roller coaster AU
got locked out of dorm room AU
camping in the same area AU
hurricane during a beach trip AU
met at a card game competition AU
kids go to the same school AU
repairman AU
strip club AU
surfer AU
private security AU
Deep into Character Development AU
meeting while waiting for hours on end in the emergency room au
monopoly night au
commiserating on a night shift at McDonalds au
you were the only one that offered to help me move in au
marching band au
sharing a high school textbook and leaving each other notes and answers in page corners au
working in a museum au
panicked yelling in unison because of lost baggage in between connecting flights au
I keep calling tech support because you’re helpful and also your voice is really cute au
rival ice cream trucks au
you helped me get my kayak upright so we’re friends forever au
competitive buskers who eventually form a band au
newspaper advice columnists who passive-aggressively diss one another in their advice au
working at a theatre together during the midnight premiere of a blockbuster au
Coffee shop AU
found their phone number in a library book au
hitchhiker ride au
met through online rpg au
accidentally taking each other’s bags au
camp councilors au
antiques shop au
called the wrong number while drunk au
sex shop au
found your their dog au
crashed the their car au
yoga class au
public demonstration au
Both Speak a Different Language and Have to Communicate Another Way AU
Small Town Lovers AU
Road Trip AU
meeting on Tumblr au
artists au
lost in a museum au
meeting on an online game au
art shop au
mattress store au
Goth au
grocery store au
wrong apartment au
pizza delivery au
on the same sports team au
Arranged Marriage AU
CIA AU
Fallen Angel AU
James Bond AU
Fashion Designer AU
Dancer AU
CEO AU
Band on a Tour AU
reached for the last snack item at the same time au
accidentally ‘borrowed’ their towel at their gym au
saw their number graffitied on a toilet stall au
parents signed them up for the same shitty art/science program au
met on omegle au
thirst follow au
mail keeps coming to the wrong address au
I think your dog likes my dog” au
Wrong bag AU
Hey can I use your charger AU
Missed the same flight AU
Accidentally fall asleep on stranger AU
Can I use your hotspot AU
Running late for same flight AU
Get in the same cab AU
Share the same layover AU
Racing on the walkway AU
Hot pilot AU
Sitting by the same wall plug AU
Getting lost in the airport AU
Last bag of gummy bears in the machine AU
Thinking they’re someone else and jump hugging them AU
Airport bar AU
Commenting on the TV in the gate AU
Can I borrow money for the pay phone AU
Huge storm all planes grounded AU
Stuck in the subway AU
Huge blizzard only one room left in the hotel AU
Both in the smoking room AU
Scared of flying and needing comfort AU
In line together AU
Grabbed wrong shoes in security AU
Grabbed wrong anything in security AU
Being patted down AU
Don’t speak the language AU
Help with wheel chair AU
Took the wrong phone off the charger station AU
Plane pressure drop and helping with the mask AU
Only one on late night bus AU
Wrong tour group AU
Oops went the wrong way AU
Why didn’t you recycle that AU
My airplane TV screen doesn’t work can I watch yours AU
Heard childhood best friends name being called on the loudspeaker AU
Heard first loves name being called AU
Ghost haunting airport AU
Only open seat in a diner AU
Can I have a stick of gum AU
Wearing the same shirt as a stranger AU
How many ways do you think we could smuggle drugs AU
Actually smuggling drugs AU
Human trafficking AU
Left wallet in a cab AU
Talking about art in a museum AU
Both typing essays on plane and helping each other AU
Rival teams heading to the same tournament AU
Vampires
Band heroes
Librarians
Office romance/bromance
Genderbend
Hospital staff
Hollywood
Broadway
Bandits/criminals
Medieval
Modern
shape shifter au
road trip au
stripper au
elevator stopped and we can’t get out au
one is a ghost au
debate on a mutual friends status au
librarian assistant au
dog walker au
internet friends au
scared of flying on a plane au
amnesia au
bookshop au
high school teachers au
goes to wrong apartment when drunk au
music store au
cross dresser au
foster care au
witness protection au
meet in online rpg au
picked a random number in a phone book and got you au
ice skaters au
roller skaters au
dancing partners au
singing partners au
mermaid au
stuck in an elevator together au
daycare au
yoga class au
Disney au
meeting on a vacation au
gangsters/ mobsters au
dystopian au
utopian au
wizard AU where one accidentally apparates into the wrong house
bffs when they were little but one moved away and they run into each other again AU
archaeologist AU
paramedic AU
ghosts in love AU
go to the same support group AU
just keep running into each other everywhere AU
younger siblings are best friends AU
ski patrol au
McDonalds au
you work at the ice cream stand across from my hamburger place and you’re cute au
the electricity went out and I don’t have candles au
you turned up at my door sopping wet and I don’t know what else to do au
reached for the last item on the shelf au
detention au
playing romantic interests in a play au
time travel au
summer camp au
sat next to each other on the train/airplane/bus au
stuck in an airplane au
went on the school trip together au
ballet au
Boarding school au
romantic comedy scriptwriters AU
Disney world characters au
Picking apples at grocery store when all of them fall down AU
Modern royalty AUs
Egyptologists AUs
Book club AUs
Met at comic con AUs
Lifeguard AUs
1920s con artists AUs
Time traveling AUs
Struggling artists AUs
incredibly long cross-country train ride AU
police procedural AU
bookstore AU
reluctant teammates that save the world together AU
platonic living together AU
lawyers AU
stuck-in-an-airport-because-the-flights-were-SO-VERY-delayed-and-it’s-like-two-am AU
sent to live with cousins AU
pretending to be siblings because of reasons AU
teaming up to rescue respective abducted children AU
pseudo-adopting-the-runaway-I-ran-into AU
forget high school students AU I want a high school teachers AU
law school AU
on the same college tour AU
trapped in a bank during a robbery AU
forced to share a table at the coffee shop a couple days in a row because crowded coffee shop and no room AU
DOCTORS AU
medical school AU
ride the same bus
Domestic AUs
Sock skating in the newly waxed floors.
Fighting over the thermostat settings.
Movie night on the couch.
With nowhere else to be, they both spend their rare day off at home.
Hosting a holiday party for their mutual friends.
Game night.
“Oh! Hey! Could you come and taste this to see if it’s okay?”
Your stray red item turned my whites pink.
Rosh ambo to see who has to go talk to the neighbors upstairs for being too loud.
Swapping “miracle cure recipes” for hangovers.
Having to put up holiday decorations together after a big fight.
Target practice with marshmallow shooter and the local kit of pigeons.
Power outage causes them to have dinner by candle light.
“My parents are coming over in 10 minutes so please put some clothes on”
Person A is sick and Person B takes care of them.
“What is ______ doing in the freezer?”
Person A runs into Person B’s one-night stand at breakfast.
Sharing book titles/CDs.
Volunteers to investigate the strange noises coming from the closet.
Begrudgingly adopts the cat that climbed in through the open window and hid in said closet.
The ceiling is leaking. Who wants to deal with the apartment manager?
Person A suspect the new neighbors are serial killers. Person B attempts to placate them.
Choosing to repaint the apartment and goes to the hardware store together to pick out color swatches.
Thunderstorm cuddles
Roommate/Neighbors AU
‘friend of a friend needs a place to stay before they get evicted’ au
‘roommate falls in the shower and breaks an arm’ au
‘roommate has a nightmare and doesn’t want to sit alone at night’ au
‘new roommate cooks alone for the first time and almost burns down the house’ au
‘roommate gets sick and needs tissues and cough sweets and soup’ au
‘overhearing roommate singing in the shower to find out they sound angelic’ au
‘My roommate is kind of hot?????’
Walks in on roommate crying while watching a movie in the living room.
my roommate’s boyfriend is staying over so can I please sleep on your floor
walking in on hot roommate masturbating oh my god
Sorry my roommate puked on your shoes
“wait, you’re not the roommate I requested”
Neighbors in a shitty apartment building that share a sense of solidarity for each other (also a mutual attraction because hot what)
Romance!
I promise I’m not hitting on you but you smell really good"
Sleepy kisses AU
Inappropriately timed confessions
INAPPROPRIATELY TIMED PROPOSALS
At a ski lodge and somehow got stuck outside in the middle of the storm but hey look there’s a conveniently abandoned cabin I guess the logical thing to do is go in there and snuggle for warmth for the night
Seeing love interest in formal wear for the first time whaaat
Everyone thinks they’re dating and then they start wondering if they’re dating
Oops friend looks like the only place to sleep in this house is this small, twin-sized bed, guess we’ll have to share
Crashed the wrong wedding and now the best man/maid of honor is on my ass, but hey they’re kinda hot so???
drama school rivals being cast as romantic opposites because they have “crazy sexual tension” according to their director AU
You belong to a rival team, but I’m falling head first for you and I’m trying my hardest to not throw the championship game away au.
I see you with the same person all the time and I assume you two are in a relationship so I’ll just pine for you from a distance au.
We’ve been together for a while now and I want to have a family with you but don’t know how to approach the topic since you made it pretty clear that you dislike children au.
you’re in the air force and I’m in the marines and deeply in love you, but I’m not sure if it’s possible for us to be anything because I just got my orders and I’ll be an ocean away from you au.
Drunk dialed/texted ex/crush oh hell
We met years ago when you helped me find my mom when I got lost in the mall and I never forgot your soft smile even after all these years au.
I work the late shift at the bar and you recently started being a regular during the evening, always looking like a wreck and one day I finally worked up the nerve to ask if you were okay. You tell me how you have twins and the mother/father left and you don’t know what to do so you’re drinking your problems away au.
You’re my tutor on a subject that I can easily ace but I’m only acting stupid because I really want to know how your lips taste and feel like against mine au.
I’m a criminal detective investigating a murder and you’re a suspect. You definitely look the part of a murderer… unfortunately. It should be illegal to be that hot and menacing au.
You and I meet at a bachelor/ette show with both of us hoping to get with, well, the bachelor/ette only to find and fall for each other au.
‘I guess we’ll have to share the bed’
‘maybe we should pretend to date’
‘Oh no….look like we trapped in this closet together….’
kissed them as a distraction while stealing their wallet au
I can’t go alone to my ex’s wedding
Omg our car broke down in a snowstorm
Hot single dad hires broke babysitter
“we’re the only ones who didn’t get the email about class being canceled” au
“we’re the only ones on campus who didn’t go home for Christmas” au
“can u help me sneak my cat into my dorm” au
“accidentally got assigned the same library study room so I guess we’ll have to share for the semester” au
“It’s raining and u forgot your umbrella so come over and stand under mine while we wait for the bus” au
EVERYTHING IS THE SAME BUT
antlers AU
wings AU
spirit animal that follows them around AU
It rains ducks AU (Like the bird. Srs)
name on the wrist for soulmate AU
first words of what your soulmate says to you on wrist AU
every time a person falls in love, a red line like a tally mark appears on their wrist More info here
PEN PALS or LETTERS
pen pals AU
pen pals for class au
Pen pals who meet in person for the first time AU
pen pals who vent at each other every week au
APOCALYPSE
Apocalypse survivors au
‘Maybe if we met before the apocalypse I could have loved you properly.’ AU
being reunited after surviving the zombie apocalypse unknowing if the other was alive or dead AU
Random
“are we both robbing the same house oh fuck” AU
growing up together in a rough neighborhood AU
mutual friends always dragged to the same inane barbecues AU
‘I heard you singing backstreet boys at 3am and decided to sing along oops’ AU
’ holy shit I’m in the wrong car’ AU
LASER TAG AU
‘Omg I can’t believe you still listen to CDs let me help you digitize’ AU
’ I know you steal my Wi-Fi to watch porn but it’s kind of hot idk’ AU
‘My pet really hates your pet’ AU
’ Customer that knows wayyyy more than the brand new employee please help me out’ AU
‘I was walking by the roller coasters and SOMEONE’S SHOE FLEW OFF AND HIT ME IN THE HEAD” AU
‘dude I know we don’t know each other but my swim trunks came off when I jumped in the water can you grab them for me’ AU
”it’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some goddamn French fries right now so open your fucking door’ AU
SWIM TEAM AU
‘got mistaken for a celebrity by the celebrity’s biggest fan’ AU
‘this person just fell asleep on me in the subway but they’re cute so whatever’ AU
‘sorry I set the fire alarm in our building off again for the forty-eighth time I was trying to cook’ AU
‘so YOU’RE the douchebag who keeps mowing their lawn while I’m trying to sleep’ AU
‘I know nothing about camping will you help me I think I heard a bear’ au
WINDOW WASHER AU
‘we’re literally the only two kids who ride this school bus maybe we should carpool or make out or something’ AU
‘I hired you off craigslist to be my date for a wedding’ AU
’I’m a werewolf but I’m embarrassed to tell you because my wolf form is more like a Chihuahua’ AU
‘we both tried to rob a bank at the same time’ AU
fighting a squirrel AU
”your sandcastle is pathetic” beach au
‘I’m pretending to be ur bff because u looked VERY uncomfortable with that person at the bar hitting on u’ AU
‘What the fuck are you doing it’s midnight why are you playing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ on the piano’ AU
Alternatively, ‘I’m going to lean out the window and sing along until you fucking stop and wonder who else is singing’ AU
‘Your cat keeps getting into my house and I don’t even know how would you care to explain’ AU
‘I forgot to do my homework so I’m just going to copy off of you and hope that you didn’t get the answers wrong’ AU
“which asshole hasn’t returned the DVD I want yet” au
Model who looks and acts really professional at the photo shoot but is actually a huge nerd AU
AU where they are coincidentally seated next to each other at a sports game as strangers and get caught by the Kiss Cam
Stole a car with someone sleeping in the back seat [Turns out that the car had already been stolen so basically you just stole a stolen car] AU
I lost a bet and I am a man of my word so here I am about to get a bikini wax for the first time. I knew it was going to be painful but what I wasn’t expecting was that a really hot guy going to do the waxing and now I’m trying failing to not get a hard on au.
We’re guild mates in a mmorpg and I’ve only ever heard your voice and I may or may not have jacked off to you just talking while I had my mic off. And now I accidentally forgot to turn it off and you heard me breathing hard moaning your name as I came on myself au.
Our families loathe each other because we’re competing for the best pizza restaurant title and now they asked us to get close to each other to steal the opposing family’s secret. But the thing was that we’ve been together for months so we fake a fake relationship and give our family false information au.
rival superhero’s who are trying to protect the same small city
posted a joke ad in the classifieds but someone actually responded
person A who sits in the back of every staff meeting and makes snarky comments under their breath about everyone the whole time and person B who arrived late and sat next to them and can barely hold in their laughter
“we both got in separate bar fights downtown and now we’re waiting in the ER comparing stories" au
“accidentally fell in your lap while standing on this crowded bus” au
“tried to get the candy bar that didn’t drop out of the vending machine and now my hand is stuck can u help me out” au
“I rented the apartment above your flower shop and in the last two months you’ve gotten a new flower I’m allergic to so I keep buying bouquets until I can figure out which kind it is” au
“you know you’re singing to your headphones out loud, right” au
beat the crap out of each other in online multiplayer au
worked really well together in online co-op au
met while buying condoms at the corner store
little kids getting way too caught up in make-believe AU
got involved in a heated game of Smash Bros. at a con AU
Movies, Anyone?
Labyrinth au!
Jurassic park au?
Bonnie and Clyde or Thelma and Louise au
GREASER/SOCS AU OH MY GOD
Breaking Bad AU
FRIENDS AU
Zombie AU
Season 5 of SPN AU
Lucifer and Michael AU
Backpacking Across Europe AU
Kingdom Hearts AU
Mermaid AU
Beauty and the Beast AU
Adam and Eve AU
Noah’s Ark AU
Fight club au
Murder mystery au
Reality TV show au
Both cosplay the same character at a con au
Sitting next to each other in the theatre au.
It Takes Two to Tango
Soldiers on opposing side au
Prisoner and prison guard au
war prisoner/captor who lets them go but they want to stay AU
One character is an angel and one is a demon au
Taken hostage at the bank au
Alternatively, Hostage Taker and Hostage
Tailor and customer au
Next to each other on a turbulent plane journey au
both turned to look at a cute kid and saw each other au
got debating on a mutual friend’s status au
asked a library helper for reading advice and got excited about the same books au
Sitting in Detention AU
Asking a date to Prom AU
Proposal AU
Wedding Planner and Wedding Caterer AU
Actor/Rock star and agent AU
Author and Illustrator AU
Vet and Pet Owner AU
School Rivals AU
7 minutes in heaven/Truth or Dare AU
Stuck in an Elevator for 3+ hours AU
Book Seller and Customer AU
Running from the police AUs
Librarian AUs
Rebels against the government AUs
Internet friends AUs
Rock star and groupie AUs
Accidentally read his/her diary AUs
photographer and model AU
writer and editor AU
immortal and non-immortal AU
Immortal and Methuselah AU
screenwriter and director AU
Greek god and roman counterpart AU
We were skiing/snowboarding and got on the same lift and now the lift is stuck au
runaway royalty and confused commoner AU
android and human AU
orchestra player/pianist and concertgoer AU
mailman(/woman) and person who receives a lot of mail AU
private detective and client AU
protester and police officer AU
lab partners AU
new neighbors AU
one’s blind and falls in love with the other’s voice AU
hair stylist/makeup artist and actor/model AU
cat/dog runs away and other person finds it AU
mistaken identity AU
sit next to each other in orchestra/band/class AU
Partners in (literal) crime AU (theft? fraud? hacking? murder?)
partners in dance class AU
trapped on a deserted island together AU
crashed their car au
psychologist/ patient au
teacher/ student au
fell asleep on a stranger au
Superhero and/or Villain AU
understudy for play/musical au
date auction for charity
alternatively, buyer and the date
rescuing their partner from a recon mission gone wrong AU
Run into each other in a hospital while there for really stupid reasons
Both have same obscure taste in music and meet in a dark corner of a music store
‘camp counselors at the same sleep away camp’ au
‘my new FBI partner/consultant is really hot’ au
‘we have to sing a duet together but I hate you’ au
‘I should not be this attracted to the new intern’ au
‘you accidentally shipped this weird thing to my apartment’ au
‘my new best friend’s sibling is so hot’ au
‘forced lab partners’ au
‘you just joined the -sports team here- that I’m the captain of’ au
‘we both tried to grab the last copy of that book in the shop’ au
‘we went to a con/party dressed as a couple on accident’ au
‘my roommate’s best friend is really obnoxious but also hot’ au
‘we’re the only ones in this subway car and the metro broke down’ au
the ‘new bartender at my favorite bar is unfairly attractive’ au
Fuckin’ Assholes
kept kicking the back of my chair at the theatre au
tried breaking into my flat when they were drunk because they thought it was theirs au
always arrives at the cafeteria 30 seconds before me and takes the last sandwich I like au
repeatedly comes into the shop I work at and picks up a lettuce then half way through the shop
decides they don’t want the lettuce and puts it back on the shelf next to them regardless of what aisle they’re in au
HALLOWEEN
I tried to buy all the Halloween candy in a store before you could
Met trying to grab the last of a costume in a specific size
Came to the wrong Halloween party
Wore the same exact costume
Surprise decorating neighbor’s yard with fake spiders/webs
Pranked the wrong person on accident
Grabbed at the same time for the last copy of a scary movie
Came to investigate someone screaming next door
The kids we’re escorting to trick or treat dropped their bags
Accidentally scared a kid and their adult is angry
Dog chased me up a tree when I tried to knock on the door
Tried to get the last perfectly round pumpkin at the same time
You took my pumpkin pie on accident and I have your apple one
I ran out of candy and aren’t you too old to be trick or treating
Hugged/kissed wrong person in a costume like my friend’s.
Stuck in the same group for a haunted house and grabbed each other when something jumped out at them
‘I was unaware that there was an organized zombie crawl going on and I didn’t realize you were in a costume and I screamed in your face because I truly thought I was facing a zombie invasion’ au
COLLEGE
turns out that random hookup from the club sits right next to you in your favorite class
skipping class to get high
I really need to pass this midterm and rumor has it you have the best study guide"
I’m really passionate about this cause and I will give you this flier if I have to shove it down your throat
vicious battle over the only left handed desk in the room
It’s pouring and my final paper is in my backpack so I guess we’re stuck under this tiny awning together. do you think they’d deliver pizza here
hey I have to photograph someone for class will you be my model
hey I have to take someone’s blood pressure for class will you be my victim
I know I keep coming to the cookie shop and for some reason it’s always your shift but don’t you dare judge me I need these for my sanity
all our friends are drunk
it’s 3 am and I’m still in the library studying for finals and I’m losing my grip on reality and I think I just saw a ghost
We’re the only two people in this club. what is this club even for
humans vs zombies (see you can still have your zombie AU, best of both worlds)
we’re the only people who ever talk in discussions it’s awful
GROUP PROJECT
#both of us turned up at the wrong room for this lecture but don’t know where its meant to be
waiting outside for pizza to be delivered and both of ours are super late
you keep parking in the space outside my student house you absolute asshole
we live in halls opposite each other and I keep seeing you changing through your window
#you’re the only other person in the room when I break the printer and I’m panicking
Neither of us bought the expensive textbook but there is only one copy in the library and it can’t leave the building
This awesome professor only has one TA slot and we’re rivals
I found your USB drive still in the computer
I thought I was the only one who liked the waffle station in the cafeteria
You keep reserving the good study room in the corner of the library with the windows
We’re studying in the library and there are two people very obviously fucking in the stacks and we keep sharing embarrassed glances
We’re both donating blood in the blood donation van in the quad to get out of the same class
You decked me in the head while you were playing Frisbee golf
Wait, I actually have a competent lab partner?
You’re the RA and you’re trying to bust me for having hermit crabs
You’re baking cookies in the communal kitchen at 3am and I’m angry but also really hungry
What are you doing at this table at the career fair
Waiting for office hours
I’ve been sitting in this seat all semester why did you decide to sit in it today
Clearly we’re both really uncomfortable at this party
You peed on my car. You were drunk. I was in the car. There will be hell to pay.
We started racing up the three flights of stairs to class for some reason and we can’t stop
You’re REALLY GOOD at using the right search terms for the academic databases and I’m on a deadline
both stuck in the dorm common room because their respective roommates needed “alone time”
my friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex quick make out with me
we’re always at the fitness center at the same time and end up competing on the treadmill
Can I borrow a dryer sheet? I ran out and the ones in the vending machine give me a rash
Your school mailbox is right next to mine
I saw you sneaking captain crunch and cutlery out of the dining hall
My roommate borrowed your contraband hotpot and managed to set it on fire
You keep using my preferred shower stall in the floor bathrooms when I’m trying to get ready for class
My computer crashed and you’re the student worker at the IT center
we’re both on athletic teams that aren’t as cool as the football team and they give us shit
You’re part of the guerrilla theater club on campus and crashed my class for a performance
What do you mean we’re under a tornado warning?
it’s 3am, in the dead of winter, some motherfucker pulled/set off the fire alarm and I am being very vocal about how I’m going to make that fucker pay
you’re the fucker who set off the fire alarm with your awful cooking
I’m the fucker who set off the fire alarm with my awful cooking
my shower isn’t working can I use yours
RA mandated floor party
I couldn’t help but notice you’re watching a show I like instead of studying in the computer lab
dude your headphones are really loud like I can make out most of Kanye’s lyrics and I’m sitting across the fucking room
Hey the semester’s almost over and I have way too much money on my cafeteria account, do you want anything??? this shit’s just going to disappear into the college’s pocket otherwise
THERE IS A BOUNCY CASTLE IN THE OVAL AND I AM VERY EXCITED
I’ve ordered take out every night this week and you always seem to be my delivery person
we’re both skipping class to study for a different class
you live above me and I’m going to murder you if you don’t stop throwing parties Sunday night
there’s only one study room left in the dorm basement and I don’t want to walk to the library, let’s fight for it
I swear I’m wearing this Batman costume because of a dare
The guy with the bibles on the quad has cornered me and is screaming about hell, please rescue me
lecture room bingo for annoying things your prof says
you’re obviously high or hungover so I’m going to rescue you and tell the teacher why your answer wasn’t as strange as it sounded, but you’ll owe me
holy fuck you found me on the roof please don’t be an RA
You’re standing right next to me while we’re both flyering and catching all of the people walking past before I can
Alternatively, we’re standing right next to each other while flyering and hey, are you as miserable as I am right now?
We can’t both listen to our music in the shower at the same time
Both of us are super bored at this mandatory floor meeting
We both work really late shifts on Friday Nights and you give me a ride home so I don’t have to walk alone in the dark
You’re the only one who actually responded to the desperate message I sent to the whole class about needing the notes
All the seats in this huge fucking lecture hall and you have to sit right next to me
I’m sorry you caught me moving your clothes out of the dryer but in my defense I’ve been waiting for one to open up for about an hour now
We were both running for the bus and it didn’t wait for us, so now we’re at this bus stop together alone
Are you the one who keep leaving their dirty dishes in the common area kitchen
You posted that you needed to borrow something on the floor’s Facebook group and I just so happen to have what you need
I want to buy your football ticket/textbook/etc. so we have to meet up
Every single table in the union is full, do you mind if I just sit here for a while?
“we heard meningitis is going around and we’re both terrified and buying hand sanitizer in bulk”
the only ones in the dorm that go out for thirsty Thursday
met doing laundry at 2am college au
accidentally knocked on the wrong dorm room college au
picked up the wrong book when we bumped into each other college au
Hey exchange student why don’t you can come to mine for thanksgiving?? college au
walked in on you in the shower college au
drunkenly hooked up but you’re dating my roommate who already hates me college au
the always-partying kid falls for the always-studying kid college au
heard a scream and thought you were getting killed but it was just a spider college au
I really hate you but you have the highest grades in class and I need help college au
This is the 10th one of these flowers Slash has stolen and brought home.
Here is number 11…
Here’s his third catch of the night.
And that second photo is his face right after I told him “People on the internet love your flower catching skills, Mr. Slash!”
Guess what Mr. Slash is up to tonight?
And, he’s back at it again tonight.
He got another one, and he is proud of himself.
He brought in another one tonight.
Thank you, Mr. Slash!
He is so beautiful 😭
He’s aware of that, and loves being told that. 😛
Sometimes, he will hold my hand when I ask him about the flowers.
He brought these two flowers in last night, and decided to pose for me when I put them near him to take photos.
Plot twist! He brought back a hibiscus tonight instead of the usual ones.
He must be feeling more tropical.
He’s back to the normal ones now…
Even when it’s raining, he still decides to go and find these. Good thing for him that whatever breed of cat he is, he has remarkably water-resistant fur!
He had a very busy night while everyone was asleep last night…
Nothing but My Aching Soul 