My favorite thing about the All For the Game series is how like… no one understands Andrew. They go on and on about how Andrew just does things that doesn’t make sense and he does unforgivable, senseless, violent things
and then Neil comes along. Neil whose mother beat him to keep him alive, who in her own violent way loved him even if it made him hate her and traumatized him, who couldn’t afford to be gentle even if she had the capacity for it.
He knows violence as an act of affection and protection when he sees it.
He recognizes that when Andrew kills Tilda, it wasn’t for himself because Andrew accepts violence towards himself as a normal part of his life and he could care less. It was to protect Aaron, his brother. He realizes that when Andrew tells Aaron to “Fuck off” when they first find each other, it wasn’t for any other reason but that Andrew was willing to suffer alone to keep Aaron safe from Drake’s abuse. Andrew goes back with Aaron to Tilda’s home where he knows that he isn’t wanted, that he’s hated even, to protect him from her heavy hand. Aaron, who was only ever hit out of resentment rather than survival, can’t understand that level of caring.
He can see that when Andrew beats strangers for assaulting his cousin, it wasn’t to protect his own sexual identity, it was to protect his cousin, his family, even if he doesn’t believe in blood relatives. Nicky, who was never hit by his parents (that we know of, at least), whose familial abuse was verbal and psychological and emotional rather than physical, knows that Andrew was protecting him but didn’t see it as anything more than Andrew being territorial, of protecting his things rather than protecting someone he cares about because, let’s be real, Andrew would not tolerate Nicky or protect him if he didn’t care about him; if they had had a deal like Aaron or Kevin or Neil, I’m sure we would have known about it. He may be a complete asshole to Nicky and treated him like he was an outsider, but I don’t remember reading any part of their relationship as some kind of deal.
If Nicky was anyone else, Andrew would hate him but Nicky moved all the way back from Germany where he was loved and happy and alive to help Andrew and Andrew, although he doesn’t show it, has accepted Nicky as family and cares for him. Andrew cares about Nicky because Nicky cared about him first, after Cass, Nicky was the first one to treat Andrew like he was family and care about him regardless of how broken he was. Yes, he pulls a knife on Nicky when he’s hitting on Neil and although that was probably because of Aaron’s comment about rape or that he himself found Neil attractive, I think part of it was Andrew’s distrust of Neil in the beginning, that he didn’t know if Neil was dangerous. He didn’t want Nicky to get too comfortable around someone he didn’t trust.
but Neil
Neil sees Andrew’s fathomless rage and loss of control after Baltimore and he sees his threats, and very clear warnings of “Get away from us” as he is supposed to: Andrew, despite what he says, cares about a very few select people and he will do anything and everything to protect them no matter what it costs him, and no matter how much it could hurt him because his own pain is irrelevant. Neil understands why Andrew is violent, he understands that it isn’t senseless, that it isn’t to hurt Neil or Nicky or Aaron or Kevin, it’s to protect. Andrew’s violence makes perfect sense to him and it is the only way he can show how he feels because he’s been so broken so many times that all that is left is a the violence he needs to protect. It isn’t until Neil that Andrew has another way to show that he cares, a new way only for him: kisses and touches and keys, and of course trust.
Neil understands Andrew which is why he can get Andrew to back down and give ground when he needs to and it’s also why Andrew let’s him, it’s why Andrew let’s him in and why it’s okay to be quasi-intimate with Neil. It’s why they work. For the first time violent affection doesn’t leave scars on Neil’s skin and for the first time someone understands Andrew enough that he doesn’t have to explain himself.
You know what I find so interesting on this second read through? How Andrew has this established pecking order and the others just…. Automatically know it??
Like I’m only on chapter 4 of t*k and Neil is pointing out how strange it is that he has become A Part Of Them. How he tries to NOT let them drag him into their little make shift family.
And it’s always the same order: Andrew, Kevin, Neil, Nicky and Aaron. Like why does Neil get such a high rank? Is it because he has a deal with Andrew? But if it’s based on deals would Aaron be at least second place?
Like it’s just so interesting that once Neil is accepts Andrew’s offer they all just rework the order. Like when they moved the furniture at the court so they stayed together. When Neil tried to sit alone, Aaron was like?? Ha no. You sit next to Andrew. Or how they leave a space empty for him on the bus in their exact order.
And I’m just thinking about how it SHIFTS in the next book because of blatant favoritism. Or more like increase in loyalty. The point being Kevin gets bumped to third place and I find it endlessly hilarious and also think it’s sweet that Andrew is so gone on this kid.
I think aaron’s position speaks of the constant tension between them. I often had the impression that they couldn’t stand each other – bordering on hate -, but deep down they love the other fiercily, but they also don’t want to think about it or admit it out loud. andrew is understandably mad at aaron for picking sides and forgetting what their promise implied; aaron is mad at andrew for falling into his life and distroying it (be it tilda, be it her abuse starting after andrew enters the picture, be it because andrew is such a piece of shit, be it because now he’s bound to him and can’t get free – though he doesn’t want to but he wants but he doesn’t want), so everything in their outer appearance makes aaron and andrew stay at opposite sides of the ranks. but if a life-threatening even happens, andrew will stay true to his promise. thing is: when aaron jumps from last to second place during emergencies, is it because of the promise, or because andrew’s self-denied feelings?
I’m a firm believer that Aaron has his first place, given that Andrew was giving up everything he had with Cas incl.Drake™. Like he could easily have pretended not to know what Drake had in mind, pretend not to know/hear/see anything, and stay with them. Andrew didnt kill for Neil. Neil didnt kill for Andrew. That devotion also lies between the twins. So yeah, Aaron wins imo.
#interesting #but also if you think neil/andrew wouldn’t kill for each other idk what series u were reading lmao #aaron has a sort of socially hierarchically removed role in the monsters like andrew’s never gonna spend a day chilling w him #neil has this privileged position particularly in tkm #where he is the ONLY one andrew SPEAKS to. like at all #he’s at andrew’s right hand bc he proved himself and bc andrew wants him there #aaron is probs andrew’s number one priority but he’s not his most pressing focus #he’s not someone andrew even trusts really #he loves him and wants to protect him just like he loves and protects kev and nicky and neil but that’s not what the hierarchy is #the hierarchy is who he can stand to be involved with #it’s a concoction of deals and interest #it’s andrew at his most transparent #when neil gets second place andrew is unapologetically rearranging his life around him #like????
I will forever love this quote because this is Andrew literally insulting and validating Neil in the same breath.
He’s mocking Neil for being a liar (which isn’t Neil’s fault, growing up the way he did; lying is his survival tactic.) Yet look at the way Andrew phrased that statement: “Sunrise, Abram, death.” Andrew wasn’t patronizing Neil. He was listing truths. And “Abram” was truth.
Abram, who was “shielded and untouched by his father’s bloody business.“ Abram, who played Exy and was allowed to live his life the way he wanted. Abram, who wasn’t a lie, but the truest thing Neil ever was.
Andrew was calling Neil out for lying, but he called him Abram. He called him truth.
“Irrefutable and untainted.” That was Abram to Andrew. And whether he realized it or not, Andrew was validating Neil’s very existence.
Andrew put his racquet down in front of Neil like a shield
The King’s Men by Nora Sakavic, chapter 17
This is definitely one of my favorite images, I’m not sure I can emphasize this enough.
Little points about this scene, anyway:
Riko uses a heavy racquet, we’re told this in The Raven King when Neil’s shopping for his one racquet: “Kevin used a heavy with the Ravens, but he’d switched to a light racquet after his injury. Riko still used one.“ (The Raven King, chapter 11)
When Aaron uses Neil’s own heavy racquet on Drake, we get this: “He brought Neil’s racquet up and around in an underhanded swing so hard and fast air whistled through the tight strings.” (TRK ch11) When Riko attacks Neil, this is the description: “Riko’s racquet got close enough that Neil heard wind whistling through the strings,“ (TKM ch17) There’s no way this isn’t a deliberate call back, just in case we weren’t sure Riko was about to kill Neil.
Also, this is one of the first things we learn about Andrew: “Two years ago some men attacked Nicky outside of a nightclub. Andrew was within his rights to defend Nicky, but he’d almost killed the four of them“ (The Foxhole Court, chapter 2)** And throughout the series we do see Andrew resort to violence easily enough, and generally it would be considered excessive. But in this scene, though? Maybe you could argue that he could have disarmed Riko instead of breaking his arm, but given that Riko was about to commit murder despite the crowd, I don’t think that would be enough to stop him. And whether it was or not – Andrew stopped him, and that’s it. No retaliation, no further violence, just this – “Andrew put his racquet down in front of Neil like a shield“. Making it clear he will protect Neil, and that’s all.
(and sure the situations are different in many ways, but most of those only matters if Andrew cares about the consequences, for him or for Neil or for the rest of the Foxes) ((and if you want to be optimistic and look at the situation with kindness (which, let’s be honest, i always want to do), it also comes down to a difference in Andrew in himself, who doesn’t need as much anymore to lose himself to violence when those he considers his are threatened))
Anyway though, none of this matters to my initial point, which is :
Andrew using his racquet to shield Neil
which is an image I’m never going to grow tired of.
**((now i think we should keep in mind that neil knows that second hand, and i’m pretty sure when it comes to a foster kid out of juvie defending his cousin against homophobic assault, facts are not presented with much sympathy. still we see enough of Andrew’s MO to know that it wasn’t far from the truth))
full offense, but when will people clue in to the fact that nicky hemmick is more than his sexuality and stop acting like being gay is a personality trait and his only one at that
Dude. I will kick an ass for Nicky Hemmick. That boy is strong as fuck. (Bear with me, my timeline is rusty at best) He survived 17 years with parents who wanted to drown out every last spark of who Nicky was, wanted to erase his sexuality to the point of sending him to conversion camp.
You ever been to or even talked to someone who was in one of those hellholes? It’s like emotional water boarding, every fucking hour of every fucking day. For Nicky to go through that and still be a functioning person is beyond amazing.
For Nicky to walk away from a sure thing, from his happy ending to take care of two kids who gave him nothing but grief – one, out and out hostility! The other fucking death threats! – is a sort of selflessness that I have no problem admitting that I don’t have. That shows an incredible capacity for love and forgiveness that no one seems to give a shit about.
Nicky surrounds himself with people who are too broken to ever really love him as much as he loves them and he does it anyway. (I am in no way trying to imply that the twins, or Neil, or the Upperclassmen, or fuck, even Kevin, don’t love Nicky in their own ways, just not in the language of love that Nicky speaks. Don’t worry, he starts to learn the dialects.)
He comes to PSU with these kids who don’t actually legally need him anymore because Andrew asked. Andrew wouldn’t take this good thing without him so he came. Because Andrew saved his life and was now addicted to court-ordered mania inducing who knows what. (Fuck you if you don’t think Nicky stayed up at least four, five, six times listening to Andrew’s withdrawal through the bathroom door before he realized he wouldn’t be allowed to help.) Nicky puts on this loud person to distract from the twins. They get judged enough without anyone actually looking close enough to exploit the cracks in their relationship.
Nicky Hemmick is love and forgiveness and a safe place to land. And fuck anybody who only sees the loud proud boy he finally gets the chance to be.
The thing I find sad about this is that Andrew probably does believe “it is just a key.” He gives, gives, gives. And people take, take, take. Sometimes they take what he hasn’t willingly given. Andrew is so used to people (like Kevin and Aaron) taking from him without appreciating what he has done for them that he probably doesn’t believe it’s a big deal. But Neil doesn’t instantly take from Andrew. Neil’s not used to receiving gifts. He hesitates and acknowledges its worth. With him, it’s not an expectation.
Which is important because there is something else to consider here too. Neil helped pay for the car, but he does not feel he is owed the right to a key. He’s honoring his deal with Andrew. The car belongs to Andrew to do with as he wishes.
The value of the key giving for Neil is finding a home, a place he belongs, where he can be himself. It’s a great symbolic gesture for Neil’s character arc. And it works both ways. What happens when someone respects Andrew’s boundaries? Believes in his promises? Honors deals?
Well, we know Andrew gives Neil keys. What do keys do? They let people in.
And Andrew is letting Neil in the only way he knows how.
Andrew puts his trust in deals because he believes the only reason people have for staying around is if they’re getting something out of him.
The only person who’s part of his group Andrew doesn’t explicitly make a deal with is Nicky who essentially picked the twins over Erik and his life in Germany. Which is why it’s so important when he breaks off his deal with Neil because he’s putting trust in Neil to stick around even when he’s not getting anything out of it from Andrew. Both of them want nothing from their relationship.
I think another reason Andrew makes his deals is because it allows him to control what people are allowed to take from him. It’s a bridge to functioning with others.
But then Neil comes along and muddies the waters because he respects boundaries, and his damn martyr complex means he will give to and for Andrew without expecting anything in return. Andrew doesn’t end up needing a deal with Neil because he doesn’t need to control what Neil will take from him.
A relationship based on deals would never work out. Which is why their relationship is based on trust.
Viktor has finally started to consider his future after receiving Yuuri’s ring
IT’S NOT LIKE IM CRYING OR ANYTHING OVER HERE ABOUT THE THOUGHT OF VIKTOR BEING ABLE TO SEE A FUTURE FOR HIMSELF ONCE YUURI GAVE HIM THE RING
She also confirms that the topic of Viktor “dying as competitor” when/if he becomes stable (brb dying at this choice of words) is especially sensitive to him, and that’s why we get this reaction
she says that it’s an especially touchy subject because Viktor is worried that people are saying that about him and is concerned that he will actually become like that
I THINK THIS IS SOOOOO INTERESTING because Viktor has always been the most mysterious character in regards to his thoughts and intentions and this scene is SO GOOD because it provokes a reaction we never see in any other scene, a reaction that is also very different from his usual easy going attitude that is shown a lot
I ADORE THE COMPLEXITY OF THESE CHARACTERS SO MUCH I LIVE FOR THESE THINGS !!! I could write another 10 page meta about this but let’s not
JUST
AFTER STRUGGLING TO SEE A FUTURE FOR HIMSELF HE HAS THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE ONCE HE REALIZES THAT FUTURE COULD BE WITH YUURI
he’s so in love i’m struggling to breathe over here
Okay I’m gonna back up so that I can explain to you all why I spent the last 5 minutes rolling back and forth on my bed with a pillow shoved in my face so I don’t scream at 130 a.m.
1) this is after the conversation at Wymack’s apartment. The conversation that was 50% truth. The most honesty Neil had ever expressed to another person.
2) this is after Andrew looked at Neil with something unnamable in his eyes and decided that Neil wasn’t going to hurt Kevin.
3) this is after a week or so of silence/indifference from Andrew towards Neil.
4) this is after the complete verbal destruction of Riko Moriyama on Cathy’s show by Neil fucking Josten.
5) this is after Neil decides to protect Kevin as he watches him wilt under Riko’s furious yelling.
6) this is after Andrew came between Riko and Neil and shoved him out of the way so that Neil could take Kevin away.
Andrew doesn’t do casual, especially when it comes to touching. Neil isn’t one of his here. He realized Neil wasn’t a threat and left him alone. But this???? This casual, barely there brush of his fingers on Neil’s back??? That’s a thank you. That’s a ‘is he alright’ check. THAT IS A MARK. THAT IS THE MOMENT ANDREW DECIDED ‘THIS ONE. I KEEP THIS ONE.’
DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? THIS IS SOME PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, MR DARCY HELPING ELIZABETH GODDAMN BENNET INTO A FUCKING CARRIAGE, BARELY THERE TOUCHING, HAND CLENCHING, WAIT I THOUGHT WE HATE EACH OTHER MOMENT
CAN WE REMEMBER HOW ANDREW WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF HIS SEAT WHEN RIKO CLIMBED ON STAGE?? CAN WE FOREVER CRY AT THE LACK OF HIS POV WHEN HE REALISES THAT OH-WAIT NEIL FUCKING JOSTEN IS ALREADY TEARING RIKO A NEW ASSHOLE WITHOUT ANY HELP DAMN THE KID HAS A MOUTH ON HIM
AND CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THAT “IT’S FINE, COACH”?? IT WAS SO UNNECESSARY FOR HIM TO SAY IT, ABBY WAS ALREADY TELLING WYMACK TO STOP IT, NEIL WAS DEFIANT AS USUAL IN FRONT OF HIM, ANDREW WAS HEADING TO KEVIN’S SIDE, AND YET HE TELLS WYMACK THAT IT’S OKAY, AND TOUCHES NEIL’S BACK IN- WHAT DID YOU SAY- GRATITUDE?? JUST FUCKING PUNCH ME IN THE FACE
AND ANDREW’S VERY AMBIGUOUS “DON’T TOUCH MY THINGS, RIKO.” THINGS. THINGS. THING S. HOW LITERAL IS HE HERE? BECAUSE NEIL MIGHT NOT BE HIS YET, BUT HE STEPPED IN FRONT OF NEIL, NOT KEVIN
and omg you’re p&p ref. I’m done with this world, if you look for me then google the sun’s zip code and write me a letter we don’t have wifi there
Nothing but My Aching Soul 