Tag: damn damn damn

coldsaturn:

rath08:

tell-me-your-vision:

ravenvsfox:

but like how terrifying must it have been for andrew to experience this heart pounding fixation w someone like he never has before in his LIFE 

and to come off of his meds and realize his feelings are real & unavoidable 

falling back on his medication as an excuse for the strangeness in his heart, having that excuse ripped out from under him so all that’s left is neil staring and following and asking him for things

and realizing he wants to give him it all

like wtF man

But think tho, its not just find out all that stuffs real. Its him coming out of rehab after /weeks/ of abuse and torment at the hands of Proust, that came immediately after being raped, again, by Drake.

Can you imagine how fucked up he is when he comes out of rehab? I mean, we know the first thing he does is upend his bag over a dumpster. Those were his own clothes and he doesn’t want to see any of them ever again. And who could blame him? He has perfect memory and every time he sees one of them it’s a memory.

But think about this. He gets out of rehab. He doesn’t even try to acknowledge any of them. He drowns at Nicky when he tries to talk. He just drives until their back on campus.

Neil moves passed him, to reach into the car for his binder, and /Andrew moves closer./ “There was nowhere for Neil to stand except against Andrew” it says. Andrew /deliberately/ moved that close to him. Then, THEN, it says “At length Andrew took a step back”. AT LENGTH.

We know Neil was waxing poetic about how strong Andrew was and what a relief it was to have him back to lean on and all that. Do you think this was it?? The moment Andrew realizes /this is real/?

And then think about what a stab in the gut it must of been when they’re on that rooftop after and Neil tells him he was at Evermore, and Andrew realizes what must be behind that bandage on his cheek. And that first moment when he sees that “4” and thinks he trusted the wrong person? Trusted them with /Kevin/?

BUT then- BUT THEN! To find out the truth, about what Neil went through, and that Neil did it for him?? How much that must have messed him up?? In one day going from Proust’s, metaphorical and literal, clutches to /Neil/? Who was already real in all the ways he can’t deal with right then, and to find out he did all that for /Andrew/?

And we know Andrew immediately gets upset about it. He immediately tells Neil he never should have done that, that Andrew didn’t want it. He can’t hear “Neil would was willing to do this for you because you’re worthy of that”. He just hears “Neil got hurt because of you.” He tells him to never to do it again, to let Andrew alone do the protecting.

But Neil, easy and undemanding and /impossible/ because of it, just says “If it means losing you, then no.”

And you know what I think? I think that’s the moment the world tilted a little bit sideways for Andrew. And with everything he was already dealing with, everything Neil had already thrown at him, and with him already struggling to find his footing again after everything that had happened?

I don’t think it’s any surprise at all his response to that is “I hate you.”

#let’s not forget that andrew wasn’t at all comfortable with the idea that neil wanted to protect him at all

#because needing protection isn’t for andrew

#he doesn’t need anyone

#it would be interesting to analyse whether andrew associates protection with weakness

#and what this means with all the deals he has which 99% of the times involve direct protection

#does he think neil and kevin and aaron weak?

#it’s too simplicistic

#he might have a major case of double standards 

That is definitely an interesting point of view. I never really think that Andrew thinks Kevin and Aaron and Neil are weak, but reading Nora’s answer to your question from long ago, Etra, I think it may answer your question now (coincidence? I think not! :D).

“
Then Neil says Proust and that’s a problem, because that’s not
how this works. Having someone else take the hits for him means Andrew
couldn’t take them himself. It’s a judgment call against who he is and
what he can handle and Neil is the last person who should make that
mistake as far as Andrew is concerned. Neil, who is so stupid but so
smart, who always looks a heartbeat from running but refuses to leave
the court, does not have the right to assume that Andrew needs
protecting, to judge Andrew as weak and defenseless.”

But even after that, I still don’t think that the people that Andrew thinks need protection are weak, per se (yes, that’s included you and your liquid spine, Kevin.). I take it more as a..moral support? for people who’s not (yet, or don’t want to, in Aaron’s case) brave enough to fight their battle against their demons. Which is absurd, when you think about Andrew and his relationships with people in general.

But again, he thought that Neil actually had everything he needs. (”I can’t.” ”You can. You have everything you need to survive. You’re just too afraid to see it.“) Neil was not defenseless, not really, as long as he’s holding his ground and stay on spotlight. And that’s exactly what Andrew wanted; Neil stopped being a rabbit and started picking up his fights, because Andrew believed Neil could win this fight against Riko and stayed alive. And he wouldn’t be alone fighting his fight, because Andrew promised to be there too (5 feet blonde moral support with little to no patience and twenty knives, I tell you). Aaron and Kevin, well, Aaron for one, didn’t plan to fight Tilda like, ever, in the name of the blood relation. And maybe he thought this is the price he should pay for having a mom at all and for loving her, so Andrew saw this and thought that this is wrong and took the matter in his hand because Aaron refused to do anything about this. Kevin, oh Kevin, I’m so tempted to just say that Kevin is just a precious bean, but as Nora said, his relationship with Riko couldn’t exactly described with one word and as complex as it was, I think Kevin was afraid but angry, hate but still loved Riko as a brother, as an owner, as a partner. And this, only made everything messier for Kevin.

On the other hand: “The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?” “If it means losing you, then no.”

and “I can’t unless you let me go,” Neil said, quiet but firm. “Stand with me, but don’t fight for me. Let me learn to fight for myself.”

and “Speaking of other Minyard… He really did it, didn’t he? Probably the most decisive thing he has ever managed. Where was that spine when his mother was beating him? It would have come handy all those years. Someone ought to congratulate him.”

So yeah, maybe Andrew thinks needing protection is weak, or being people in general, who’s not him, is weak. But I still can’t, can’t think of Neil Josten, number 10, starting striker, Foxhole Court, as weak. He may not be a fighter who can throw a punch like Matt and don’t know how to cut a man open throat to groin like Renee, but he stopped running so he could have what he always wanted, he’s been tortured trying to save Andrew, to save the Foxes from Riko, he’s given himself up to his father, who killed his mother and of whom he’s so afraid, he spent 9 years of his life running though 22 cities in whole Europe and US with a dozen fake identities so his family, his foxes, his home would be save, and Neil Abram Josten is anything but weak.

that bit from the extra content was exactly the reason why I added those tags, and I agree to everything. 
it’s already stated in canon that andrew doesn’t treat himself like he treats others (will keep his chosen ones from harm but won’t give half a shit if he gets hurt), and I think it’s safe to assume that he doesn’t actually think the others as weak in the most direct and simple way; it’s never about others not having the ability to do things, but their lack of will to do it (kevin to stand up for himself, neil to stop running, aaron to see the inevitable logic behind andrew’s actions). that seems to be what “frustrates” him, what makes his protection necessary.

I also really think that andrew has huge double standards, because his past pushed him to rationalise things in terms of agency and personal mistakes that prevented him from using it (the extra bit about his fear not being heights, but the consequence of falling, which makes me think that his phobia is the elaboration of his trauma in a narration that has himself as an active variable, a responsible agent, because the alternative of being weak and defenceless is unacceptable), and considering how analytical he is, I can’t help but wonder if he realises that and how he allows such a blatant, illogical thing in his reality. even more than that, I wonder whether Bee knows.