Dan: If you’re an adult and you’re still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you.
Kevin: I’m not gay, but I might be. And I have a girlfriend and she’s a female person.
Alternate Kevin: “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.”
Andrew: “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.“
Alternate Andrew: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.
Matt: Went to a spa to get a massage. I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. […] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.
Aaron: All of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always what you want in a healthcare professional.
Seth: As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man.
Alternate Seth: Was there ever even a ghost Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?
Allison: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much
Nicky: I need everyone, all the time, to like me so much – it’s exhausting.
Renee: God can’t hear you.
Neil: I’ve never been killed by hit men. So I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men. But I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing.
Alternate Neil: [imitating a heavy Chicago accent] Lets say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. Once you get your bearings…find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, and punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.
Wymack: Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.”
+ Bonus
Jean: I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I’ll die.
Jeremy:
In terms of like instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
Riko: This is an on fire garbage can
You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.
Also I wrote a fic about this visit, if anyone is interested in reading it.
me: i can’t wait for people to read this story!!
brain: you have to finish writing it if you want people to read it
me:
me: now that doesn’t sound right
Nothing but My Aching Soul 