notetoself-thisisserious:

Hopelessly adrift

He’d never even thought about it.

It had always seemed like such and obscure thing, yet another part of human nature and relationships he didn’t understand.

He’d heard Nicky talk about it – desperate and nine colourful vodka mixes down, lip worried over the years- as he sat on the couch and fretted that Eric could possibly want someone other than him, could move on.

They were so far apart, so far away. Even though texts and calls, these things happened.

Neil, uncomfortable and confused at exactly what he could possibly say, said nothing.

He didn’t understand love. He didn’t understand attraction.

He didn’t know how time and space could change a truth so solid in your chest.

But he’d never been like the others.

He didn’t swing, he only wanted Andrew.

Maybe that was the problem.

It wasn’t until Andrew graduated, left, and the Palmetto Fox team was all talking about Valentines day – yet another tradition he still didn’t understand- that something grew.

It started as a niggle, a wayward thought. A simple passing idea that floated through his mind like a breeze with nothing to latch onto.

But then it caught, marking the edges of his mind on it’s way past, leaving a tiny scratch, a tear, barely noticeable in the light of day.

There was late night phone calls, texts. Words and voices and, for a moment, a life shared.

But then that scratch started to itch.

Andrew had always found him interesting, always strived and fought and dealed to uncover his truths and solve the problem he’d proclaimed Neil to be.

But, Neil was no longer a mystery. He no longer had secrets to trade, nor was he in anyway remarkable.

Attraction was a foreign concept, but he supposed Andrew found him attractive, found him worth a second look, a second touch.

But time had passed, and Andrew had moved on, moved away, found a purpose to fill his days and a routine to structure his life.

But what about nights?

Neil wasn’t insecure, and this train of thought was just as foreign and unsettling to him because he had no idea how to process this new development.

Thrashing it out on the Exy court provided no relief.

So the wound went untreated.

And festered.

No promises had been made between them, not in this, and Neil had no desire to even think about trapping Andrew’s into a deal he knew the other would hold. Not in this.

Never in this.

Andrew had been hurt and abused by too many and Neil would never begrudge him taking back the control of his body he had so long been denied. To take back what he was owed and to finally want.

Andrew was free to explore and chose and Neil wouldn’t dare think to take that away from him. Not ever.

But it left him hopelessly adrift.

A familiar feeling, but in an entirely difference sense. It was the uncertainty, the unknowing, throwing everything to the wind without any escape plan. Without any desire for an escape plan when all he wanted was to stay home.

Andrews past ‘hookups’ had never been discussed, although Neil was aware of a history with Roland. That path was far too treacherous to walk, filled with landmines and dark pools that neither wanted to poison the air with.

But Andrew was a man. A gay man. And Neil suspected Andrew felt attraction to certain types of men more similar to the way others of that sexuality did.

Andrew had needs and desires, more so in later years as he’d grown comfortable in accepting and acknowledging them.

As he’d separated them from the abuse he’d suffered.

Neil had been an outlet for that. And, eventually, a hard battled safezone. A willing participant in whatever Andrew had needed and wanted who never asked for anything.

But now.. Now maybe he wanted to ask.

But he shook that treacherous thought away as selfish.

He’d gotten more than he’d ever thought and now, with this distance, maybe Andrew would look for something closer to home –his home- to satisfy his carnal needs and release his tension.

Maybe Neil would no longer be useful or interesting.

Maybe Andrew would just grow bored.

They would always be connected, like two Atoms circling each other in a semblance of frictionous harmony, but maybe Andrew would spot someone else who captured his attention, less scarred and more interesting.

Someone else he could trust enough to touch.

And maybe that would hurt Neil a whole lot more than he dared even admit.

Maybe that would be another scar to add to his marred and countless collection.

Maybe it would hurt the most.