The Foxes as John Mulaney Quotes

cigarettesmokeandexyracquets:

Dan: If you’re an adult and you’re still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you.

Kevin: I’m not gay, but I might be. And I have a girlfriend and she’s a female person.

Alternate Kevin: “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.”

Andrew: “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.“

Alternate Andrew: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.

Matt: Went to a spa to get a massage. I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. […] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.

Aaron: All of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always what you want in a healthcare professional.

Seth: As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man.

Alternate Seth: Was there ever even a ghost Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?

Allison: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much

Nicky: I need everyone, all the time, to like me so much – it’s exhausting.

Renee: God can’t hear you.

Neil: I’ve never been killed by hit men. So I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men. But I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing.

Alternate Neil: [imitating a heavy Chicago accent] Lets say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. Once you get your bearings…find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, and punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.

Wymack: Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.”

+ Bonus

Jean: I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I’ll die.

Jeremy:

In terms of like instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.

Riko: This is an on fire garbage can