Prompt List of Sarcasm

eternalmikaelson:

1. “Well, what can I say? I’m a badass.” 
2. “Define normal.” 
3. “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?” 
4. “Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.” 
5. “Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.” 
6. “It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.” 
7. “I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.” 
8. “And you wonder why you’re still single.” 
9. “Remind me to kill you. Please.” 
10. “I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.” 
11. “That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?” 
12. “Were you dropped on your head?” 
13. “She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.” 
14. “She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.” 
15. “If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.” 
16. “Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” 
17. “If I survive, can I go home?” 
18. “My middle finger salutes you.” 
19. “This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you.” 
20. “I don’t think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let’s be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.” 
21. “I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.” 
22. “Insanity run in my family. It practically gallops.” 
23. “Oh darling. Go buy a brain.” 
24. “Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.” 
25. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” 
26. “All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.” 
27. “I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 
28. “Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.” 
29. “What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?” 
30. “I heard that!” “You were supposed to!” 
31. “I need therapy after this.” 
32. “You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.” 
33. “I’m not weird. I am limited edition.” 
34. “I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.” 
35. “I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.” 
36. “If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur.” 
37. “You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?” 
38. “I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.” 
39. “I’d explain it to you, but you’re brain would explode.” 
40. “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.” 
41. “I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.” 
42. “Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!” 
43. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.” 
44. “You’re good. A monster pain in the ass… but you’re good.” 
45. “Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!” 
46. “The female of the species is more deadly than the male.” 
47. “Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.” 
48. “She’s hot, but she’s evil.” 
49. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” 
50. “I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.” 
51. “Go on, knock his teeth down his throat.” 
52. “You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers and people who talk at the theater.” 
53. “What’s the point in screaming? No one’s listening anyway.” 
54. “I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.” 
55. “So stick that in your juice box and suck it.” 
56. “Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.” 
57. “This place hold a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some… No. No, no, all bad.” 
58. “A little gasoline… blowtorch… no problem.” 
59. “Good, bad, I’m the one with the gun.” 
60. “I know you can’t kill anybody, ‘cause I can’t kill anybody.” 
61. “You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.” 
62. “What you call insanity, I call inspiration.” 
63. “Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.” 
64. “Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.” 
65. “Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.” 
66. “I like you. You’re different.” 
67. “You successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.” 
68. “Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.” 
69. “You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.” 
70. “Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.” 
71. “I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.” 
72. “Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.” 
73. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.” 
74. “I care so little, I almost passed out.” 
75. “Well behaved woman rarely make history.” 
76. “You’re so weird.” “You have no idea.” 
77. “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” 
78. “You haven’t even seen my bad side yet.” 
79. “Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.” 
80. “How’s life treating you?” “Like I ran over it’s dog.” 
81. “Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.” 
82. “Oh God, we’re not gonna have to hug or anything, are we.” 
83. “I’m so glad you could come.” “Cut the crap. Give me a drink.” 
84. “You make no sense to me.” “Welcome to my life.” 
85. “Have fun being deal.” “I will.” 
86. “Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.” 
87. “It’s called thinking. Go with it.” 
88. “I made a new friend today.” “Real or imaginary?” “Imaginary.” 
89. “Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.” 
90. “I’m getting real bored and impatient. I don’t do bored and impatient.” 
91. “The girl is strange no question.” 
92. “Do us a favor… I know it’s difficult for you… but please, stay here, and try no to do anything… stupid.” 
93. “I know most people don’t like me; I don’t care, I don’t like most people.” 
94. “You are a very strange person.” “Well, thanks for noticing.” 
95. “I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but… no.”
96. “I didn’t steal it. I permanently borrowed it.” 
97. “I’m not shy. I’m just examining my prey.” 
98. “If you pull out my earphones, I will pull out your lungs.”
99. “I don’t dislike you, I nothing you.” 
100. “Are you crying? No, I’m impersonating a fountain.” 
101. “Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. That’s cute.” 
102. “You’re kinda anti-social, you know that?” 
103. “I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.” 
104. “My advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.” 
105. “I’m just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.” 
106. “My ex? Yeah, I’d still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or baseball bat.” 
107. “She’s complicated like the DaVinci code, you know but harder to crack.” 
108. “And just like everything else we do around here, it’s about to get weirder.” 
109. “Such big evil in such a little thing.” 
110. “Why do I still like you, knowing you’re a total asshole?” 
111. “What does not kill you will likely try again.” 
112. “Oh honey, I would but… I don’t want to.” 
113. “And hello to you too… little homewrecker.” 
114. “I’m gonna make you wish you were dead.” 
115. “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.” 
116. “What doesn’t kill me might make me kill you.”
117. “In another life, I think I was in a mental institution.” 
118. “I’m not crazy. I’m just interesting.” 
119. “Don’t make me pop your ten grand sand bags honey.” 
120. “This is fun.” “Seriously, we’re trying to hide a body.” 

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