kween day: rude, has a stick up his ass, not a morning person, probably has a shrine dedicated to jeremy knox in his bedroom, his blood is probably just dissolved protein shakes, exy is sexy, string bean, everyone’s son and everyone’s boyfriend at the same time, probably thought that eating spinach actually made you strong after watching popeye as a kid, thinks sports movies are romantic, would use his own body for target practice if he got half the chance
neil “not fine” josten: 35 lies per hour, has literally never been fine. like ever. in his whole entire life, mommy issues, sad tumblr hoe, human piñata, unhealthily obsessed with exy & andrew minyard, probably thinks smoking is fucking aesthetic, still uses internet explorer, neck fetish, the oblivious friend™, the salt content in his body beats that of the dead sea
andrew murderyard: smol, probably eats nutella for breakfast, definitely drinks milk straight from the carton, *says he’ll stab you* *will actually stab you*, as emo as emo can get, i’m talking like emo as an actual fucking metal trash can, desensitised to every color except for black, talks like a fucking comic book villain, will fight any sentient being
aaron miniyard: angery, hates virtually everyone, *cough* homophobe *cough*, “i’m going to pretend i don’t know you”, transforms into a 12 y/o whenever he’s within the same radius as his crush, only marginally less emo than his brother, probably listens to a lot of rap, science is kewl
Miss Dan Probably Wilder Than You: BAMF, the best friend you wished you had, the girlfriend you wished you had, “he fell into a tank of piranhas”, pack alpha, starts feminist debates at parties, Stressed, the mom friend
allison baenolds: is fabulous, boss ass bitch, looks like a princess but could literally kill you, has watched every buffy the vampire slayer episode at least 5 times, drives a very pink car, has probably used her stilettos to kick a guy in the nuts, out of even god’s league
nicky hemmlickk ;): is loyal, the inappropriate friend, everything he says is an innuendo, the gay cousin who turns out to be gayer than you initially thought, always suspiciously cheery, probably tweets his entire life, TMI bro, ONLY EVER TEXTS LIKE THIS, will spank your ass as a greeting instead of a handshake & drive you home from work/school
renee Keep Walking: cute but she once plotted murders, the brand ambassador of cinnabon like she is literally the purest cinnamon roll, back tf up or you’ll probably get bitch-slapped (by a holy bible), she’s the cool older sister you’ve always wished you had kinda friend, a little gay for allison reynolds, her hair probably looks like a swirl of fucking twix yogurt??
matt oh boy!: fucking angel, protect him, no seriously, he like, descended from the heavens above, stays out of his girlfriend’s fights despite his better judgement bc he knows she can handle her own battles, gym rat, he recovers like a prostitute who converted to being a nun, neil josten is his pride & joy & if you touch a single hair on his head your ass gon’ get whopped, did i mention Neil Josten Protection Squad 2kFuckingForever Founder & Councellor??, the sweetest human bean in the entire series imho
seth “should’ve stayed in school” gordon: dead as a doorknob & a bigger dick than a rich white artist evading questions about cultural appropriation on Saturday Night Live, but you kinda feel sorry for him anyway because the author knows how to round out all her bloody characters