neil–im-fine–josten:

This is for @theinstigators, written for @aftgexchange. It’s a teenie bit short, but I hope you enjoy these headcanons anyways! ❤

• In the beginning, Andrew was always the first to wake up. He was not comfortable sharing a bed with someone else. He never had any good experiences with it. Neil, on the other hand, was somewhat okay with it. He used to share a bed with his mother, and was familiar with the solace it brought.
• After a couple months of sleeping with someone, Andrew does not always wake up violent. In some moments he is able to enjoy the sluggishness and warmth of coming back to consciousness. It is in these moments that Andrew can’t help but appreciate Neil.
• His face is golden in the sunlight, and Andrew starts counting faint freckles without meaning to. His memory does not give Neil justice. His hair glows fiery red and his scars are prominent and honest.
• So yes, Neil has freckles. He used to cover them with concealer in the time spent with his mother. But after she was buried he stops wearing it to save on cash. Besides, his father and his men have not seen them up close.
• As the years pass, Andrew sleeps later than Neil. And because they’ve been sleeping together for some time, adjusting to two cats isn’t that hard.
• Neil gets up every day around dawn to run around the neighborhood. It’s a time for introspection and letting go of negativity.
• Once he comes back, he says Andrew’s name. It isn’t noise that wakes him easily. It’s the sensation of touch. But sound does eventually wake him, with less chance of it being aggressive.
• Usually after a minute or so, Andrew is awake. Not very responsive, but awake. Neil gives him around five minutes to reboot. He is secretly grateful that Andrew is nowhere near as bad as Kevin.
• Sometimes Neil ends up making sugary coffee for Andrew. He himself eats a fruit of some sort.
• Other times Neil crawls back into bed despite lots of protests. Andrew refuses to go near Neil after a run. But the cats don’t mind, and so Neil spends a majority of the morning petting Sir and King.
• Eventually Andrew forces Neil to shower and sometimes he joins him. Neither are complaining by then.
• Sometimes showers lead to sex. But other times it’s just as good to feel safe in a vulnerable state. And Neil is okay with whatever Andrew offers him.
• You know how Neil has a neck fetish? Well. Andrew has a hand fetish. But you’d have to kill him before getting him to admit it.
• And so some nights Andrew ends up studying Neil’s fingers. Tracing every callous, every line, every scar. Sometimes they end up falling asleep in the process. Andrew would wake up in the morning clutching at that hand. And Neil would be curled in, head an inch from the curve of Andrew’s neck.
• Andrew would find that it didn’t bother him. Being physical becomes more common before bed. As a result, all the nightly touches migrate to the daytime. 
• In the past, some actions were intimate. Private. But after constant repetition and getting used to things, these actions were more casual.
• So they would find themselves holding hands, or brushing hair out of faces, or giving tiny pecks. Of course this wasn’t a sudden thing. It was gradual, a trust growing for many years. As it should be.
• On occasion Neil has lazy days. Days where he aches from from yesterday’s practice. So he’ll dose on and off until noon. Sometimes Andrew stays. Other times Neil is only accompanied by Sir or King.
• It’s a luxury he truely loves to indulge in once in a blue moon. Years of being on the run leaves no time to relax. But now Neil has all the time in the world.
• When Andrew does stay, they slide close to each other. Close enough to be considered cuddling, but far enough to deny it later on. Soft conversations are passed between them, floating through the air before fading away with consciousness.  
• These conversations don’t really have much meaning to them. But for people like them, that was something special by itself.
• Of course there are bad nights. Nights where Andrew can’t sleep. Nights where Neil sees knives and icey blue eyes. But they’re always there for each other.
• Neil will murmur quiet reassurances. Restate promises they’ve made over time. Eventually run fingers through Andrew’s hair.
• Andrew will repeat present memories. Describe scenes from the previous day. Rest his palm against Neil’s nape and call him Abram.
• Andrew only ever uses Abram to calm Neil down. Never for anything else. It would lose significance if he did.
• Eventually they’d be okay.
• As time passes and old wounds stitch up and heal, there are plenty more good days. Days where Neil can’t stop smiling and days where Andrew has too many reasons why he should live. Days where Neil can admit he’s not fine but he’s content and days where Andrew can feel.
• These good days– these goods days are made from both themselves and each other. And that makes the good days that much better.